Post Christmas Blues

Its strange how the Christmas season can stress a person out so much...then poof its gone. I worry every year that I wont have enough for the children so much that I sit up on Christmas eve night and cook and count presents. I try to make sure they all get the same. Then you worry over the food and the decorations. Its worth it all when you see their faces light up on Christmas morning. I dont want my children to think of nothing but the gifts and I think this year God has really been dealing with me about how we celebrate our holidays. I had such great memories of holiday celebrations as a child and I want these kids to have those same precious memories and if it means I get no rest at all on Christmas eve night then so be it. But as I say every year ....NEXT YEAR I AM GOING TO HAVE A BETTER GAME PLAN.
Anyway......R came back from his overnight visit and he seemed like he enjoyed himself well enough. He will have another visit coming up on the weekend. They seemed like a lovely family and I sure they were good to him. It must be so hard on the kids however....I can see a lot of irritation in R since he got back and a lot of it has been directed at me.
N and J will have a visit with their mom on Monday. They are refusing to go and are probably going to have to have some push from me to get them there. They have been with me for a while...almost 4 years. N gets very nervous when he hears his mom mentioned. I wish he didnt feel that way about her. I have tried very hard to tell him we can love someone without loving the things they do. He has a lot of bad memories to work through but with the grace of God I know hes going to be ok.
So with all the hustle and bustle of the Christmas festivities it seems a little boring around here already....post Christmas blues maybe? I even heard one of the kids ask how many more days until we go back to school!

The Children are Nestled All Snug in the Bed

Every year I tell myself the same lie...Im not going to be wrapping gifts on Christmas eve...and here I am again wrapping away. I stress myself every year that I dont have enough things for each child, or one might have a little more. I try to be fair across the board. But the wrapping thing...just wait til next year, I am going to do better!
R came home from his overnight visit and he seemed like he had a good time. I didnt ask him a lot about it because I didnt want him to feel uncomfortable sharing it with me. He did seem like he had a good time and I hope that he did. I still pray that somehow...someway...he can be adopted with his siblings. I believe siblings should be together. I dont think they are exhausting every opportunity to adopt them as a group. When kids get seperated in the system they lose out on so much.
So Christmas is here once again and after a few short hours it will be over again. I reminded my kids again tonite that its all about a birthday. This is a night of excitement and enthusiasm for children and mine are no exception to the rule. We do that Santa bit but I also tell my kids that every good and perfect gift comes from God. I want them to always remember that.
I thought a little bit tonite about the kids that are not with me this year that spent Christmas past with us...I wondered how they were doing. I missed them all very much tonite. I pray they are all safe and happy and have a tree with lots of presents and love to share in the morning. No matter if they stay in my home for years or days...I pray for them all tonite....
And to Nicolas...circumstances didnt allow us to be together this year but God knows our hearts...You will always be my son. When you looked at me you didnt see a skin color you saw your mom...when I looked at you I saw a piece of heaven. Every night before I tucked you into your bed we would always say.....I love you forever, I like you for always...always forever my baby youll be. Sometimes I would pretend to forget to say it and you would remind me. Thank you Nicolas...for making me a mom. I know I will hold you again someday.

Merry Christmas

Protective Mode

Every child that enters my home even if for a short period of time leaves a foot print on my heart. I have a little boy who came to me on July 4 of this past year. Of all the kids I have had he was a little bit of a challenge in that he didnt trust anyone right off. That was because of the things that had happened to him already prior to coming to my door. I had to work at it with R. I was determined to win this childs love. I would try to hug him and he would become stiff like and pull away. I would make sure he heard me say I love you to him at least one time every day. He never would respond back. Time passed and he began to share some experiences with me. He learned I was not going to hit him, scream at him, or lock him in a room for punishment. Now enough time has passed that when I say I love you to him...he says I love you too. When I hug him...he hugs me back. I felt like I won the lottery. I knew when he came to my home he was there as a temporary placement....he needed an adoptive home, along with his two sisters. Now all this time has passed and I have seen this little boy grow by leaps and bounds. I dont take credit for any of that ....God worked in this childs life, not me. Now I realize I was told from the very beginning that he was a temporary placement but it just seemed like time kept marching on and we got complacent. I did mention to this social worker that we would be willing to make a home for him if he needed one but I found out they already had one in the making for him. So I got the call....he would be going to spend the night with a family that was interested in adopting him. It is funny how that made me feel. I went right into protective mode. I silently wondered what kind of woman she would be. I prayed that she would be good to him and silently thought of all the bad things I would wish on her if she wasnt. So today I dropped him off to her. He was really sad on the way and that didnt make me feel any better but I do hope and pray that everything will work out for him...hes been in the system way too long. Children should never be raised in foster care. I cant imagine having to live everyday wondering if this would be the day they would take me some place else. I reminded him that when the day comes and he has to leave our house that we would always be family with him...he would always be a part of us. R is a tough little kid and he makes sure he keeps a little shield around himself at all times. I saw a tear run down his cheek when I started to leave. I couldnt look back because I wanted to only encourage him. He is a precious gift from God.....I hope they find that out while visiting with him tonite.

Forwarded Letter From Jesus

Someone sent me this and I thought it was worth saving. I dont know who to give credit to for writing it but I wanted to share it anyway. If someone knows who is the original writer of it please let me know and I will give credit where it is due. I generally dont send forwarded emails but this one was very thought provoking.



Letter from Jesus about Christmas --

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are
Taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't
Actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your
Predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a
Time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered
Anytime.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily
Understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your
Own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My
Birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in
Which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get
Rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene
On your own front lawn If all My followers did that there wouldn't be
Any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many
Of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday
Tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can
Remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish:
I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in
Relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten
That one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my
Wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday
Is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away
From home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I
Know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them
Personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.


3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the
Cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him
That you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up.
It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and
They don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth,
And why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and
Remind them that I love them.

5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.


6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own
Life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you
Don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm
Smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the
Holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm
Smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry
Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop
Shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that
Day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with
Their families

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary--
Especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never
Heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your
Town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they
Have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some
Food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other
Charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and
Loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret
That you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions
That you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do
What I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out
The list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the
Ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all
Those whom you love and remember:


I LOVE YOU,
JESUS

The Christmas Play

Tonight was the Childrens Christmas Play. The Annual Christmas Play was always a special time for me growing up and even into adulthood when I went from being an actor to putting one on. It just puts me in the Christmas mood. Churches have changed so much over the years and they dont put a lot of emphasis on the childrens christmas play anymore and I think its sad. The church I attend has a Christmas cantata for the adults and its full of glitz and glamour so much to the point that they have to raise money to put them on. To me it takes away the innocence of the whole manger scene when the children are not in it. My church doesnt even have service on sunday nights anymore...its not something I am proud of. I am a little old fashioned in a lot of ways. I want my children to have all those precious memories growing up that I had. My children attend a local church of a different faith on sunday nights. So we go to the Church of God on Sunday mornings and a local consevative Baptist house of worship for sunday night...odd mix huh? But the Bible says the same God over all is faithful to all that call on his name. My kids all had parts in the play tonite and I went to see them and it was the cutest thing I think I ever saw. My little girl was singing with the children in the choir all dressed up in her costume after presenting her gift to the baby Jesus...and all of a sudden during the singing she decided to dance. She really cut a rug for the Baptist people...she got so excited with her singing that she toppled off the stage at one point. I was so amused I had tears in my eyes. I told the pastor after church that I was sorry for my daughters excitement but she was full of the spirit tonite...he replied..."I am glad she was here she made the whole play."
Memories...thats what its all about. I was proud of all my children. They did a super job. I bet they will always remember tonite too.

Merry Christmas

Growing Pains

I have an 11 year old. He is smart, good looking, athletic and just an all around good kid.....under normal circumstances. Lately he has become moody, overbearing and mean. I have come to the conclusion that he must be hormonal. For the last few days he has been the most unhappy, unsatisfied and weepy little boy in the world. I have a dreaded feeling that he is slowly approaching the teen years!!!!! Aughhhhhhhhh! For some reason I feel an incredible need to stop, drop and pray. But thats ok...we will make it. We made it through so much already. N has been through the normal run of tragedies that foster children go through and he has survived....I feel confident he can make it through the hormonal progression of teen years. The reason I say that I think it is hormones is because he has been asking a lot of questions lately. And I am glad he feels confident enough to ask me those questions although there have been a few times when I wished he would just stop!!!!!! You cant keep them small forever though. I have been trying to answer everything he has asked openly and honestly and back everything up with scriptures. I realize its a different approach than what he might have been used to in his life prior to living with me but its the approach I choose for my children in everything. The other night he asked me if he was allowed to have a girlfriend. I immediately started running down the list of all the little girls I though might be preying on my innocent little boy so I know his mind is in the realm of the preteen ideas. I have been N's foster parent for almost 4 years now so I really feel like he is mine anyway and hopefully in January he will be. In the mean time we will ride the rollercoaster of tween emotions and see where it lands us!

Its A Done Deal!

This has been an overwhelming few days. I had planned to blog something all week but just didnt get around to it simply because I was sitting at home waiting for something to fall through or to go wrong. We had a court date for the finalization of our little girls adoption and it has been such a complicated case I just didnt trust anything until I held that paper in my hand with the judges signature on it. So Friday morning we went to court and arrived a whole hour early because I was not about to leave anything to chance. I invisioned the van breaking down....the bridge being stuck....the judge calling out sick. It was nerve racking to say the least. It was worth it though. When it was all said and done I have a beautiful child to raise to love and serve God. Before the judge hits that desk and says its official you tend to walk on pins and needles because any number of things could cause the child services to pick them up and move them some place else. And when you invest your heart in a child and you love them more than life itself it can be a heart wrenching thing to see them go. That is why I call it the 3rd trimester of my adoption. When a woman is pregnant I am sure her mind is consumed with all the possibilites...good and bad...its the same way when you adopt. Anyway ...thats is in the past. She is my daughter now and I will do my best to raise her to love and serve the Lord.
My boys were a little disappointed. They didnt understand why they were not adopted as well. J asked me why I didnt adopt him first since he was here first. It is hard to explain policy to a child when all they are looking for is stability and love. J and N both have a court date very soon and we will see what becomes of that. They have been in foster care for a very long time and I think they have become tired of the process. It has to be hard on a child. In 4 years only one person has stepped in and offered to take the boys and they refused to go with her because they say she was abusive to them as well. Kids really have it hard. We shouldnt have to live in a society where children have to wonder where they will live from one month to the next.
But the weekend came after the court was done and we had a celebration. We kept it low key. As much as I love her I didnt feel like I could openly celebrate too too much....after all we did receive a huge blessing by having her as our daughter ....but some where out there was a family that will never be as well. And that is sad in some ways too. We have so much to be thankful for.
I had no idea how much a piece of paper would mean to me. Morgan was my daughter a long time ago but that little piece of paper brough so much security its kind of odd actually....I was her mom long a ago....but now I am her mom and it just feels different. I know it doesnt make sense but it does in my world and thats all that matters really. She is growing every day and I am just going to enjoy the here and now. Its bed time and I rambled this blog so badly I must be exhausted....nite nite

Report Cards, Therapy and Other Fun Stuff

Friday is always a very special day around here. Its a very busy day. Its therapy day. More than half of the children go to therapy every week. It can sometimes be very inconvenient but its a necessity. I used to not think it was such a big deal. But long range therapy for other children in my home have brought about such positive results that I rank it as important now. I was always of the belief that if you just take a child in and love him and provide for him then it will take care of all the other little issues that may pop up from time to time. In other words....Love covers a multitude of sins....and I still believe that however when it comes to parenting a child thats already seen a lot of hurt and disappointment before they ever came to you...therapy is wonderful thing to have. Today we made the journey over to Norfolk to go to therapy then each child had to be dropped back off at school because we didnt want to miss today.....its moms favorite school day....its REPORT CARD DAY!!!
Report cards were supposed to be out last friday but due to the storm that overtook us last weekend they were delayed by one week. I am not concerned about their grades...I know they are all doing well. Some a little better than others but all of them are good. I like to make a big deal out of this day because I like for the children to see that education is important to us...its worth celebrating. I have a child in my home that is so excited about getting to school each day now that hes angry when he has to miss for therapy. He wants to be there every minute he can. That speaks volumes for the teacher who is at the head of his class.
We are also in what I jokingly call the third trimester of a adoption. We are hoping it will all be settled and completed before Christmas and we have every reason to believe it will be. It will make our Christmas complete knowing that this child is ours.....forever.
So thats the latest updates from the Brewer house....for now.

Answer to Prayer

I owe God a huge apology. I mean I already told him how sorry I was...but I really owe him a big apology. I was really disturbed when I prayed for God to heal me and I felt like he didnt answer me. I got so bold that I went as far as to say God doesnt answer prayers. That was a bold statement right there...not to mention a stupid one. I said I wanted to see God very specifically answer a prayer.....I mean like you pray for something and boom it happened. So heres what happened.....
After I didnt get what I thought I wanted before I made it a point that I would not ask God for anything specifically ever again. But then the pressure came. I had a social worker who was not a very nice person. She was not only racist but she was just plain out right dishonest. It was a very hard pill for me to swallow because she was unkind to my boys...and me. Everytime she was impolite to me....everytime she made a false accusation regarding my boys.....I was nice to her. I was simply and totally nice to her. I didnt engage her in conversations when I didnt have to but I was very polite. And it was hard. I am like Peter in the Bible....I wanted to cut her ear off. It was a very humbling experience for me. But all the while I was being nice to her I was praying and asking God to move her out. To find her another job or whatever he needed to do in order to get her out. And he very specifically did just that. The morning she called to tell us she would no longer be our caseworker I was so happy I cried. She thought I was crying from sadness but it wasnt. God moved her out. I prayed for that to happen and he very specifically did that. I know he doesnt sit up in heaven waiting to take orders from us...he knows what he need and dont need better than we do. But I cant help but be so thankful. God did that for us....he did it so perfectly and completly that he even replaced our former caseworker with a Christian.....a real Christian. I am so thankful.
Foster children go through a variety of caseworkers, therapists, doctors and all kinds of people asking questions and moitoring their progress throughout their journey through the system. If you have a child in your care for any period of time its not uncommon to have a whole team of professionals involved in your childs case. Some of them you get to know rather well after a period of time. And occassionally we run into one that is a born again Christian. When we do I tend to relax a little because I know my kids are in good hands.

Foster Parent Training

When my husband and I agreed to become foster parents there was several things we had to do in order to prepare our home and ourselves for the children to come. One of the things we had to do was complete a six week training class. The class met two times each week and consisted of discipline strategies, departmental policies and expectations, and many other things. The class itself was fun to attend but in looking back on it tonite there are many things I would have done differently. Let me explain....
They take you into this class and your so full of excitement and your heart feels good because you feel like your doing a good thing and they do their best to scare you to death. You hear a lot of horror stories about how someones best friends neighbor took in foster children and they made terrorists threats on her telephone, and someone elses cousins boyfriends mother took in foster children and they tried to make use the cat as a sacrifice. Granted the kids in the system all come with their own bag of troubles and heartaches but I have also discovered something else...kids are universally the same in that they just want to know that you love them. No matter what my foster children have done for the day I have always made it a personal goal to let them hear me say I love you. Those 3 little words make all the difference in the world to them. And children are smart...they know if you mean it or not....and if you dont then foster parenting is not the job for you.
Another thing they should tell all new foster parents......Some people will admire what you are doing....others will think you are demented. The ones who admire what you are doing are happy to tell you they think it is great that you have such a big heart but they wont be the ones who offer to invite ALL of your children to a birthday party or your entire family for dinner. Foster families tend to be a little larger than the norm so if being a social butterfly is important to you then fostering is not the job for you. The ones who think you are demented will just stop calling all together.
And then there is another thing they dont prepare you for.....the thoughtless questions people will ask. One day we were eating out and someone happened to notice the that we didnt all exactly resemble each other and came over to our table and asked me "so whats the deal here with all these kids".....I responded by telling him the truth...we are a family...and thats all he needed to know. Another thoughtless woman approached me one day after hearing our little girl proudly proclaiming that she is "getting dopted" and asked me if I was worried there could be a history of mental illness in the childs family....I responded by asking her if she had any mental illness in HER family. So if thoughtless questions hurt your feelings, or make you angry in any way then foster parenting is not the job for you. You have to have a very thick skin.
And the last thing....all new foster parents should know that when its all said and done someday a child will grow up and know how to balance his check book because you taught him to be thrifty, he will graduate from school because you ensured his homework was done, he will give his heart to Jesus because you mirrored Christ in front of him. They may not stay with you forever (some might) but if they leave your home they will leave with the knowlege of knowing what a real home is supposed to be like because of the time they spent with you. The seeds you plant with these children will reap a bountiful harvest. Its an investment worth making!


I knew I was officially a Foster Parent when......
The cashier at Wal Mart asked me what school we were from as my family came through the line.
I took my neighbor in my garage to locate a shovel she asked to borrow and seeing all the extra clothes, bikes, strollers and toys she said "oh your preparing to have a yard sale."
My 6 month temporary placement went from Elementary school to Junior High
Someone walked up to me at a local Hardees and asked if we were like those Duggar people on TV.
All the local cashiers at the grocery stores know us by first name.
The relatives stop inviting you over as your family has become larger than they are comfortable with.
The dentist closes his office 2 hours early just to accomodate the appointments of your family.
The little boy who was once afraid to be touched hugs you before bedtime and said I love you.

Interesting Stuff About ME

Things Most People Do Not Know About Me
1. People who talk in their sleep scare me....literally. If you talk in your sleep and I hear it I will wake you up really fast.
2. I was a bed wetter. I wet my bed until I was a grown adult. Doctors came up with all sorts of medicines but nothing worked. I wet my bed the night before I got married....after I got married it never happened again. Strange but true.
3. I hate the color green. I am not sure why but I think it has something to do with some green cabinets we had when I was growing up. They were a hideous dark green and I remember thinking they were ugly when I was maybe 10.
4. I procrastinate. I put things off for later. Its a nasty habit that can cause a lot of trouble if you dont watch it carefully.
5. I like anything vintage or old fashioned. I like old music (40's, 50's), old styles, I especially love vintage jewlery like cameos and pearls. Old car shows are always fun. Nothing like a blast from the past...it represents simpler times. I think it would be fun to live like the Waltons.
6. I am not easily persuaded. I dont see a grey area in anything. Everything is either black or white...right or wrong. I think people over analyze everything. I dont believe in anything super natural...I think there is a reason for EVERYTHING.
7. I am not an animal lover. I dont want anything to hurt an animal I just simply dont want one.
8. I think all these children who are medicated and diagnosed with all these mental health disorders such as ADD, ADHD, OCD just to name a few are for the most part just a victim of poor parenting. Everyone has a cure for everything a child does these days....in a pill.
9. I am opinionated.
10. I enjoy a challenge, no matter what it is. If you dont think I can do it then you have my attention really quick. I will go a long ways to try and prove you wrong.
So there are a few things a lot of people dont know about me. Perhaps I will share some more another time. Good nite for now.

Church Bus Riders

Several years ago before I became a mother I kept my hours busy by doing things for other peoples children....and I loved it. One area that I particularly enjoyed was taking children to church. My cousin and I used to gather up everyones children throughout the neighborhood and haul them all to church. I think church is a very important thing in a childs life. I put a huge emphasis on it in my home and I dont let much get in the way of us being in Gods house at the appointed time. It is my hearts desire that each child we bring into our home hear about the love of Jesus from me first. I want to be the first one to tell them they need to accept Christ as their Savior and I would love to be the one to pray with them and see them accept him into their lives. So many children never go to church so therefore my cousin and I took a lot of little street kids to church over the years. The numbers grew to such an amount I dont think I could remember them all. Every once in a while we run into someone who will say hey Mrs Mary dont you remember me??? You used to take me to church! What a great feeling comes over me when I hear those words. Today one of the little girls who used to ride that famous church bus with my cousin and I as we hauled them off to church week after week contacted me and asked if I would consider babysitting her little baby. What an honor! She came over and spent some time with us tonite and I looked into the face of that beautiful little angel she was carrying in the tote seat and we had time to talk a little and I made it a point to remind her that the church is still there, I made sure I mentioned Jesus before she walked out the door...just a few suttle mentions that will hopefully plant a seed. I saw the look of interest on her face when I reminded her how much we would love for her to come back to church and bring her little one. She will be back next week to drop the baby off to me while she goes to work.....who knows maybe we will start a second generation church bus?

Football is Over....Finally!

As of today football is officially over in my house. I am so happy about that. I am always proud when my children want to participate in a team sport or activity and I heartily encourage them to do so but football is just UGH. To begin with I know nothing about it. It looks like nothing more than a mass of young men attacking each other and slamming their bodies into one another. Its aggressive.....its loud....its messy....and its time consuming. Football practice was everyday after school monday through friday all the way until 6:30 in the evening. Then we had to make the ride over to pick him up, which throws dinner time off, homework time off, and showering and preparing to do it all again tomorrow. Then of course you have to make the game every wednesday. And I wouldnt miss it for the world. My baby was on the team and I wanted him to know how proud I am of his efforts. He stuck to it....win or lose he didnt quit and for that I am so proud of him. But I am glad its over.
There are times when we are all running on a low tank and just need some time to refuel and relax......to do our stress breathing as my kids call it. But life stays busy.....football is over but Christmas is around the corner. Christmas is my favorite time of the year around here. There was a time when I thought we wouldnt ever be able to share our Christmas holiday with a child of our own and I can recall times I got up on Christmas morning and pretended to be happy for the sake of those around me but all the while I was muttering to myself how I felt God had let me down by not blessing me with children. I can somehow picture God sitting up there on his throne laughing at me now while I had a spiritual tantrum of sorts. He saw down the scheme of time and knew that a house full of children was heading my way....he just allowed me those few years of childlessness to "refuel"....to get ready for the many children I would soon to be blessed with....he knew I would need the energy.

Galatians 6:9...."Be not weary in well doing...for in due season you will reap if you faint not."

Rambling

When your in the process of completing an adoption it is almost like a birth without the physical pain. You become an emotional rollercoaster. When your pregnant and give birth you know from the very beginning that its going to be over in 9 months and you can begin the process of raising your child. But when you adopt its not like that. There is no time scale of completion. It can go on and on sometimes. And when you do get a call saying they need just that one more bit of documentation or something you being to imagine all sorts of horrible things. But eventually it is all said and done and you have a beautiful child to raise to love and serve the Lord. What an awesome responsibility.
Today was a grey day for me. You know how sometimes you just get yourself in a funk and dont know how to get out of it. And on top of it all it rained....just a misty rain...enough to make the day very dull. I had something on my mind today and it was bothering me a lot. And to be honest I wasnt sure how I would work it out. At one point this afternoon I almost reduced myself to tears. You know how sometimes people will say God just spoke to them? I have always been of the idea that when people say God is talking then we need to watch out because I just dont think he speaks right out loud to us like that but anyway....at the lowest point of my day today I was sitting in the kitchen and all of a sudden a verse from the bible just popped into my head.....the one where its says how God would never see the righteous forsaken or his seed begging bread.....and when I thought of that verse something very calming came over my day. And for some reason I didnt give my problem another thought for the day. Two hours later I was sitting in the kitchen and the phone rang and it was someone who owed me money. They owed me that money from so long ago I just assumed I would never see it again. Imagine the surprise on my face when I got paid today.....and it was just enough...with some left over. Coincidence? Some people might think so. I dont believe there is any coincidences in our lives. God already knows the patterns of our days and today when he saw I was a little down he took a few minutes to pick me back up and dust me off and remind me that he is our father and fathers always take care of their own. I dont feel grey anymore today.

I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.
He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed. Psalm 37:25, 26

Sunday Special

Things have been busy around here lately. Blogging was not on my top ten list of things to complete each day and as far as that list goes most days I barely made it to number 5. The kids have all been in school for over a month now and the first progress report came home and all I can say is my kids rock. The grades were superb. M is adjusting to kindergarten and I can see her improving emotionally each week. My middle school child has had some growing pains but we are working through it but there again in spite of his need to be "one of the boys" his grades are still outstanding. I felt really good the other day when he came home and told me that he had some issues with his behavior at school before the school had the chance to tell me about it....I have tried to instill in him that the power of sin is in secrecy. All things eventually come to light. When our sins are not hidden then they dont take root in our heart and control our lives and future actions. He came home and told me what happened. Nothing major really and we worked it out. I am proud of him.
This coming week is a huge court week for us. I would rather endure hemmoroid surgery without the benfit of an anesthetic than to go to court but these 3 hearings are very important. One is to determine the amount of time someone will spend in jail for the crime he committed against his child. In my mind I cant think of any amount of time he might sit in jail that would make up for the things he did to his child but I am not the judge. It will be handled by a judge in a court room for the next 2 days and then his fate will be decided. I thought about him tonite and wondered what he was feeling tonite. I am sure he is scared....but there is a judge that will meet him one day that he needs to be far more concerned about than the one who decide his fate tomorrow. I dont hate him...I hate what he did to his child....may God have mercy on his soul. I pray he finds Salvation in the more true form.
The second trial is to decide the fate of 2 of my other children. I am pretty confident that I already know whats going to take place. The boys have been with me almost 4 years. I feel a sense of sadness for the parents of these children but there again she failed to follow through with what she needed to do to make a safe home for the boys. These boys are older. They remember a lot of things that happened in their early life. They know the kind of life they have now and they dont want to leave. I cant say that I blame them.
As far as both court hearings go I can just say this....a decision has already been made I am sure. God knows what that decision is. He will show us what it is very soon. The boys are worried and I have told them not to be. We will just put it in Gods hands and everything will be ok.
R is the newest member of our house. He came to us back in the summer and I was told to expect a storm from him. I can say he has been a wonderful addition to our home. He came to us from an abusive foster home and had some trouble learning to trust us but now he acts like someone who has been here forever. I am proud that he is here.
The kids all went to church this morning and I so seldom ever miss church but this morning I let my husband ecort the entire little brood to sunday school and I decided to stay home and cook a huge country dinner for the family. It was a lot of fun. The house was deadly quiet and I started cook at 9am and didnt stop until the kids walked back in the door at 1pm. The look on their faces made it all worth while. We all sat around the table and ate and laughed and talked and ate some more. When all was said and done and we could barely move I noticed something....the older children got up from the table and began cleaning up the dishes and kitchen. I leaned over to my husband and asked him if he told them to do that...he said no. I asked them why they were doing that...and the oldest of our family looked at me and said "just sit back and relax mom we got this." And thats exactly what I did.
I hope we can always have special sunday memories like we made today.

Middle School is not my Favorite

Oh the tween years!!!!! They really stink if you think about it. You want more than anything to be one of the big guys but your just not ready to put away your cars and action figures. My son started Middle School this year and its not even been 2 months and hes already got his eye on a little shapely cheerleader. And to make matters worse hes a football player so naturally this little cheerleader will have every chance to see my son. So tonite he asked me if he made straight A's would I allow him to have a girlfriend. I avoided answering that question by firing back a few questions of my own and found out where we were going with this whole conversation. I dont believe in dating...especially when your just a little kid yourself. But the whole concept of dating I dont believe in either. When they get older and want to socialize with a member of the opposite sex then I think there should be a chaperone. I know you all are thinking I am joking but truely I think thats the way is should be done. I believe that a lot of children get in trouble too early when their parents dont take the time to guard their childrens hearts. So N has his eye on this little girl and I am already in protective mode wondering WHY HER....I notice when I drop him off for school there always seems to be a little flock of giggling girls waiting at the door. I wouldnt go back to the tween years for nothing. I have always tried to be open and honest with my kids about anything they wanted to talk to me about...including sex, dating, and girls. I hope and pray they make good Godly choices...and I pray that Middle School zips by quickly.

Life Keeps On Going and Going and Going

Its been a while since I had the time to sit down and blog about anything that is happening around here. The kids are well on their way to a successful school year and the after school activities are keeping us on the road. J and R are doing boyscouts and N is playing football. Those activites along with staying involved with church has kept us on the road. Friday will be a special day around here and everyone knows its moms favorite day.....Progress reports come home. The children are doing well but for some reason it seems like a dreaded day for children the world over. And I like the ritual of making a huge production out of it. Of course I always reward their efforts but its a fun day around here.

M has been in kindergarten for a whole month now and so far so good. It seems like the anger she had in her last year has subsided and she is excited about learning new things. The first set of papers she brought home included a lesson about the 5 senses and had pictures of several children on the front of it which the teacher instructed her to color them. The teacher told me that she told the children to color all the people on her page a color that make sense...not purple or green. M colored all her faces brown with the exception of one. You have to know the dynamics of this family to appreciate how sweet that was of her to do. M has grown up not caring about the color of a person because she has always had foster brothers and sisters of every race and she loves them and embraces them like a sibling...each and every one. The next big event in our house will be the adoption decree to arrive....then we will have a huge reason to celebrate!

The next exciting event that took place around here involved our boys. N and J received a new social worker which made us all very happy. The boys have been with us a long time. I dont know what the future hold for them....their case has been so difficult that we have just resolved to leave it in God's hands to make sure the boys are where HE wants them to be. And ultimately when we leave it in his hands everything will work out just like its supposed to.

First Day of School

We have spent the last few weeks getting all ready for that eagerly anticipated first day of school. I dont mind telling you that a part of me was a little excited about the thought of having my house a little calmer during the day to clean and do other things. Not that I dont adore my children but this had to be the longest summer in the history of mankind. The kids were literally getting bored with it. So last night we spent extra time getting just the right outfit laid out, getting supplies packed in brand new backpacks, and all the fun stuff that goes with preparing for that first day. The first day of school was always special for me, and I really wanted them to feel that excitement as well. My little girl just finished her therapy a few weeks before school started and I am especially interested to see how she does in kindergarten. Then the bus pulled up. It was time for me to put her on it and I looked out the door and froze. The idea of putting my little baby girl on that bus and sending her off for the day just made me ill. My husband snickered at me and scooped her up in his arms and sat her on the bus. She went off to school and I came back in the house and let the tears go. I made it all the way until 10:30 and then I phoned the school to inquire if she was okay. They assured me she was fine and I reminded my husband that if she came back with one little mark on her that I would hold him personally responsible.
Then N had the audacity to start middle school. Oh the Tween Years! N came to me when he was in 2nd grade. I was told at that time he would be a 6 month temporary placement. I really put a lot of effort into making sure he would be comfortable in his clothes and shoes because we all know how nasty middle school kids can be. N started to get a little nervous just before time for the bus to come and he asked me to take him to school. I was thrilled to see that someone needed me this morning so I grabbed my keys and ran over him getting to the door when all of a sudden some more middle school boys came down the road and all of a sudden he was mr cool and calm again and no longer needed a ride.
J and R went to 3rd and 4th grade respectively and they were just as happy to take off to school this morning as well. I worried about them all day long. I worried about all 4 of them. They are my children and I have a burning need to know they are happy and safe.....its what keeps me going throughout the day....its what I live for.
The first day of school was always a special occassion for me when I was a child. I hope I made it special for these kids!

Its A Small World Afterall

Tonight I took my children to Chuck E Cheese to burn off some energy. I didnt tell them where we were going but rather just told them to jump in the car and lets do it...they were so excited when they realized where I was taking them. I love doing things like that with my kids...no matter how small the treat is they are overwhelmed with excitement about it. On the way down the road tonight somehow the conversation in the backseat of my van turned from bodily functions to talk of birth fathers. Of my 3 oldest boys only one says he has ever seen his father. When we arrived at Chuck E Cheese I was following my little ones around and letting them play and I noticed a woman looking at me rather oddly. I checked myself several times to make sure I wasnt exposed anywhere then decided she must be staring at me because I was so pretty! Wrong! Turned out she was the sister to the father of one of my foster children. She called the childs father and had him come to Chuck E Cheese to see his son. The man came in and sat down at the table with me and introduced himself and his other 8 children. After a bit of small talk and keeping it as generic as I possibly could and referring all his inquiries back to social services we started to leave. Before we did my foster son looked right at him and said I want to ask you something and said to him "Where were you at all the Christmas' and birthdays that have already passed?" The man simply stated "I cant answer that." How sad. J is a wonderful kid and I am sorry he didnt get to share those special days with his dad and mom together....but I am glad I was allowed to be a part of those times with him. I am glad about all the extra trouble I went through to make those days as special and as memorable as I possibly could. I did it for J, and I did it for all the other kids who pass through my home who have no fun memories of special days with their moms and dads. I hope when they become adults and look back on those special days they will have something to smile about....if so then I can say my work was complete.
Anyway.........as I mentioned before I have a new placement in my home. R came to me on July 4th. I was originally thinking that he was with me as a temporary placement but it appears he will be with us much longer. R had some trouble in his former foster home. I cant venture to say what went on there but I can say his....R has been very well behaved and considerate in my house and we have enjoyed him. I dont know how long he will be here but he is certainly welcome to stay as long as he needs to. He is just not the aggressive child that he has been told he was. The other day R was sitting in the kitchen with me and we were talking back and forth about nothing special and out of the blue he looked at me and asked me if I would consider adopting him and his sisters. When he said that I was so overwhelmed i was almost speechless. To think that he would even consider thinking of me that was or to think that I was worthy to be his mother was such an honor to bestow on me I was left speechless. R isnt a child that lets anyone too close to him. He tends to shy away from affection and hugs. I make it a point to touch him every day...just on the arm or the head or back. I tell him I love him and I dont expect him to ever say it back but I feel like its something he needs to hear. I think that when he asked me to adopt him it was his way of saying I love you too. R is careful to guard himself and to keep his emotions in check at all times. I have made it my personal goal to tear down the wall he carrys about him all the time.
16 more days of summer left!!!! My kids are so ready to get back to school. Summer was way too long this year. It felt like someone added extra days in it.

Bring on the fall time!!!

Court Days

For the past week I have spent a lot of time in a court room. As a rare event every child in my home had a court day within the last week. I am not especially fond of court days but I do go simply because I like knowing whats going on with my kids. Today I learned to hate going to court. I sat through 2 termination of parental rights hearings this week for 2 different children. The first child, I knew her parents would be terminated and justice was served. The second family was a little bit more difficult to take. Moms rights were teminated but she never did anything to injure the children...she did however make some bad choices. Her children sat in foster care for a very long time. Its odd to me how you can go to 2 different court hearings and come away with such a mixed bag of feelings. When it comes to abusing a child and your rights get terminated I simply dont feel sorry....it was almost a a happy feeling. Dont get me wrong I do feel some sadness for the loss of her family but I am happy to know that she will never be hurt by their hand again. But this second trial...I dont think I will ever forget it. And the reason it stands out in my mind so much is because this mother was raised in foster care herself. I have seen some of the foster homes the older children are placed in. Its not a good situation. Some people say that mothering is a natural instinct...but I dont think it is. I think mothering is something learned. You tend to mother the way you were mothered. This mother was terminated....and granted she had a long time to get her things in order to receive her children but I just wonder....I wonder what the foster mom who had her did to teach her to mother her children. I watch my little foster daughter playing with her dollbabys....sometimes she will spank them for their imaginary misdeeds...I gently remind her that there is no good reason to hit anyone....she doesnt hit her dolls the way she used to. I hope and pray that I am teaching her good mothering skills that she can someday pass along to her children.
Court is not fun. Someone goes away hurt. Today a former foster child lost her rights to her children because she didnt make good choices as a mother. She will always be in my prayers.

Busy Days

Things have been a whirlwind of activity around our house lately. The kids are starting to get tired of the summer and I think they are really ready to head back to school. N will be going off to Middle School this year and he has already begun football practice for the fall season. Our little girls court date came up and I attended my first termination of parental rights hearing. And as much as I am looking forward to having her as my own legally it was really a bittersweet moment. Terminating her parents felt like a funeral to me. It was in some ways...the funeral of her first family. She will never have to go back to that and that is a good thing.....but anyway...good days ahead! She is my daughter and has been from the moment she came into my home.
Our new little boy turned 9 in a matter of days after being placed with us. He is nothing like what we anticipated him to be but rather a welcome addition to our home. R has some issue to work out but with prayer and a lot of love and attention I think he will be ok. He is a little boy that has been through way more than he should have and sometimes things will pop out of his mouth that will totally surprise you. He is a work in progress.
Monday is another big court day....I am feeling a little overwhelmed.

Independence Weekend

Our whole family has been looking forward to July 4th this year for the last few weeks. For me it is the signaling that its almost time to start school shopping because September will creep up quickly and once the kids are back in school its Christmas before ya know it....hows that for jumping the gun?
Anyway back to the 4th of July. We got up bright and early and went down to South Norfolk to see the annual parade. The kids had been looking forward to that as its become somewhat of a family tradition and when it comes to kids I am big about traditions. I want them to be able to look back some day and say "my mom and dad took us every year" or "we did this or that every holiday" so for that reason I tend to go overboard with the holiday events. I sat up late the night of the 3rd making cakes and other things to prepare for our cook out...got all the shopping done and planned a delicious menu for our ANNUAL family cook out.
In the midst of all our holiday cooking we received a phone call from Child Protective Services asking if we were able to take an emergency placement. I didnt ask too much about him but simply agreed to take him and silently wondered what kind of people would put a child out of their home on a holiday. The CPS worker offered a little information on the phone stating that he was an 8 year old boy with a lot of anger issues who acted out in the home he was in and was being asked to leave. I immediately got a picture in my mind of what this child was going to look like. I envisioned a huge, brute of a child with anger in his eyes that could possibly take my house apart and ruin our holiday tradition. What a surprise I got....He walked though the door and was just a tiny boy. I went over my family rules with him ...he agreed to abide by them and I put him right in the room with the other boys. So far he has been nothing less than polite and obedient. Not knowing how long he could be here...I am sure time will tell what he is capable of once we get to know one another. I was proud of my other boys working hard to make him feel at home.....when they go out of their way to make others feel at home here then I know they feel at home themselves and that makes me feel good.
So now we are a family of 5 children. They are all tucked away upstairs sleeping in their little beds and hopefully dreaming good dreams. Its funny how one little call can change the whole course of your day.

Im Spoiled

Our AC has been acting up for the last two days. So we called the repairman and he agreed to come out...he obviously wasnt very good at what he does because he was gone 3 hours and it stopped running again. So I called him back out. He said he would come and we sat here and waited....and waited...and waited some more. The longer we waited the hotter we became. It was not a pretty site. Rob and I became very grumpy with one another and the children did nothing more than bicker and fight and whine about how hot it was in the house. The hotter it became the worse we got. I have been wondering how we ever lived without AC? I have decided I would rather have AC than eat! How did all those women back in the olden days make it without AC? They not only lived without AC but they also slaved away in their kitchens cooking and preparing homemade food for their families while wearing long hot dresses. I wonder if everyone back in those days had body odor. The last 2 days in this house was not very fun. Finally when we realized our so called repairman was not coming out we found another one ...paid his overtime rate at midnite and got the air back on. Thank God for AC. Its the little blessings in your life you dont really appreciate until they are not there anymore.

NITE NITE

Grandma

Today Rob, the kids and I went to visit my Grandma. She is 98 years old now and although shes maintained excellent health for the majority of her life which I think has lulled us into a false sense of believing she would be here forever. Recently shes taking a downward spiral in her health and to be pretty honest....Im scared. I cant imagine her not being here. I was named after her....Mary. She has been a part of every important event in my life. And shes been there to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can recall during the times in my life when I failed miserably at something grandma was always there...never lecturing....always making things right for me. Grandma has always had a solution for my problems and when she didnt have one I could always count on her to pray until a solution came. I know I am being selfish...I dont want her to lay on her bed and suffer. But I am just so not ready to let her go. I dont thing I will ever be ready for that. She has been the glue thats held our family together for so many years. If it was not for my grandmother I can say I would probably not being in church now....she took me to church and the biggest contribution she has made to my life is that she has lived a model of a Christian life in front of me. Grandma trained me to love God, honor his word, obey his commandments without ever telling me to do anything. She modeled it in front of me everyday. The first time I ever heard that I needed salvation was from my grandmother. If she leaves me soon then heaven will get another piece of my heart but Grandma will leave behind such a legacy that I can only hope to leave. Because of the christian example I saw from my grandma it is my hearts desire to make sure that all of my children first hear about Christ from me....when they get old enough I want to be the first one to tell them they need to accept Christ and to live for him daily. And I want to model a Christian life in front of them....and it would be my hope and prayer that someday they would be able to say about me....Momma showed us how to be a Christian ...by being one herself.

Our Anniversary

Today my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Traditionally we have always made it a rule not to buy gifts for one another on this occassion but to go out together and either spend time together or we would get a gift together but it had to be something we could both enjoy. This year we settled on one of those new flat screen televisions. This was somewhat of a momentous occassion not only in that it was our 20th anniversary but it was also our very first BRAND NEW televison. We have always had a televison throughout our married life but they were always second hand. The price tag was staggering when you have never paid more than 25 dollars your entire life for a television. But its ok...and its something that we can all enjoy together...the entire family.
A lot has changed with us in the past 20 years. Tonite I was flipping though old family pictures and it was such fun to see how we have changed over the years. Robs hair has thinned considerable and I have officially joined the ranks of grey haired women. I used to keep it dyed but no more. Rob said he likes it salted with the grey the way it is and now that he mentions it I love his thinning locks as well. I guess thats how it is when you love someone. There isnt anything Rob could do physically that would make me not love him. The day he came into my life I was really blessed. He is a wonderful husband, father, provider and spiritual leader for our family.
I think back tonite to those early years when the pay checks were much smaller than they are now. There were many times when we didnt even think about a meal out unless a relative was kind enough to invite us over. Now we can go out on occassion....buy a new tv....and even have a few dollars left over for the week. We have been blessed. And as blessed as we are I wouldnt trade those early days when we didnt have much more to live on than love for all the money in the world. If Rob were to ask me again today I would marry him all over again. Those were fun days.
Our days now are spent raising children. Rob is a great father and I do my best to be the kind of mother God would have me to be. When the children ask about Jesus I want to be the one to tell them about him first....I want to be the one to lead them to Christ. This is a new chapter in our married life.
I cant wait to become a grandmother next!!!!!!!
Happy Anniversary Rob.....I love you more than anything in the world.

Happy Birthday

My little girl turns 5 tomorrow. She is so excited about that. Time has really flown by. It seems like just yesterday she was potty training. Now in the fall she will board the bus and begin her school years. Its kind of bittersweet actually. I wish I could keep her little and safe forever and no matter how old she may get she will always be my little girl and I will always walk through the fire to keep her safe.....but something about starting those school years and sending them off to the unknown.

And then there is the middle school years. My oldest is leaving the safe haven of elementary school and will be heading off the middle school next time. He was just a little 2nd grader when he first came to live with me. It seems like its just happened in the blink of an eye. I admit I have a lot of anxiety about him going to middle school. He will be faced with a lot of choices he didnt have to make in elementary school. I pray that he makes good choices. He is a good boy and I have faith that he will.

Sometimes I guess all you can really do is do your best with the children and then leave them in Gods hands.

The Hardest Part of the Job

Again our family grew this week and we welcomed a beautiful little 3 yr old girl into our home. M was so excited to no longer be the only hen in the rooster house and she finally had someone who would play dollbaby with her all day long. Its been fun watching them because kids can meet each other for a few minutes and all of sudden its like they have known each other forever. Thats part of the beauty of childhood I think.
My mind still keeps going back to the time I spent with my other 2 foster children who are now living with their Grandmother. I had no idea how emotionally exhausting it would be to see them but I wouldnt have missed it for all the money in the world. Its really hard to take a child and spend so much time with them....watch them grown....get comfortable....become so full of life and happy and then to see them change completely. Those 2 children were so full of life when they lived with me and it hurts to see that gone. Dont get me wrong I think all children need discipline and structure and we are happy to hand it out in sufficient doses when deemed necessary but to see them walk so soldier like and almost scared when they are with the grandmother is pretty hard to swallow. Then to make matters worse while I was visiting with them the little girl told some things that shouldnt be happening. All I could do is encourage her to talk to her social worker. Unfortunately she doesnt feel like that is something she can do...she is afraid of her. I wish she wasnt. All I can do is leave them in Gods hands now and pray that he keeps them safe in the palm of his hand....and I know he will.
I used to think I would like to become a Social Worker......not anymore. I wouldnt have that job for any amount of money. I love children. I wish I had a home large enough to accomodate more. I thought that job was about happy endings...but its so far off from happy endings its pathetic. The first goal of a foster child is to return them to their home....and it should be. Mend the home and make it healthy for all concerned then the children can go home to a happy home and an intact family. That doesnt always happen. The second goal is to find a suitable relative willing to assume custody. The final goes is adoption. Many children sit in the system a long time throughout that process as did some of my kids. They sat long enough in the system that I became their mother.....for all intents and purposes. And the kids didnt want to leave. Social services is required by law to place them with a relative no matter what kind of relative it is so long as they can provide and the system doesnt have to. So basically is doesnt matter if the child is happy so long as the relative can provide 3 meals and a bed. I would have a hard time with that job and I know that. To me there is nothing more important that the happiness of a child....who cares what the relatives think.
Letting go isnt always easy once you have raised a child....they will aways be in my heart. I am thankful I had one more chance to hold them close and tell them how much I loved them. And when they both looked at me and said I love you too momma it meant more to me than anything in the entire world.
The hardest part of the job is letting go....I dont think you ever really do....not if you did your job correctly.

My little boys birthday

I have hesitated to blog recently about all the good things that have been happening lately. God had answered some prayers and we are so humbled to the point of not even having words to describe how we are feeling.
Today was one of my former foster childs birthday. He was 5 years old today. I had him one month shy of 3 years and he was given to his paternal grandmother along with his sister in what I as well as many others at social service thought was a very unfair and cruel thing to do. The grandmother doesnt like me so since they have been gone my contact with them has been very limited. It hurt me a lot. More than I could ever sit here and tell you. The day those 2 children left my family it felt as if my own child had been ripped from my arms. I mourned that loss. And to make matters worse...these 2 children were part of a sibling group of 4 and she chose to only take 2 of them. Today was his 5th birthday and I was given the opportunity to share some time with him on this day. I went out and bought his gifts, got cupcakes, pizza and drinks and went to chuck e cheese and waited for social service to show up with them. The 2 little ones came in the door and raced into my arms and the first words that popped from their mouths was i love you mommy. My heart just melted. We spent the next hour or so playing the games and opening the gifts and just had a wonderful (but short) time. I took so many pictures with my digital camera my battery went down after a while. All too quickly it was time to leave. I stood back and let them say their good byes to their brothers and watched while I choked back the tears. I didnt let them see me cry....its not what I am trained to do. But it was a hard hard thing to watch them walk away again. Like 2 little soldiers. I can only leave them in Gods hands now. I pray for them. I wonder what they are doing each day. I am back home now and I am surprised at how exhausted I am......I feel emotionally drained. I downloaded my camera and watched that hour I had with them all over again while I was alone....then I cried. Those children didnt mind that I was a different color than they were.....to them I was their mom. I always will be. There is nothing social services can do to change that. I pray that God keeps them safe and happy. I miss them with all my heart.
Happy Birthday Mommys Baby! I love you more and more and more.

So Long Miss M

Sometimes friends come into our lives when we least expect them. I first met one particular friend when she was in training for her new position as a Social Worker for the department I work with. She came to my home with another social worker and introduced herself. We didnt know at that time that she would grow to become someone we would consider a dear friend. Later I came into contact with her again when she became the newly assigned case worker for one of my children. She and I worked rather closely as a team while we did our best to ensure that this little girl became whole and complete as she dealt with the horrible things that happened in her past. During the time of working with this social worker I came to see that she not only cared about her cases while they were sitting on her desk but she took that burden in her heart as she went home each night as well. She loved each child that was assigned to her. Her extra effort made all the difference in the healing of this little girl....and it made all the difference in me as well. She was a breath of fresh air after having dealt with some Social Workers that seemed to have personal agendas, biases or otherwise didnt care. I am sad to say that I have had kids in my home for extended periods of time and have had noone call about them for months. This social worker always went the extra mile and sometime during our conversations over the last year we began to form a friendship. I consider her an extended part of my family now. Today she moved to another state and resigned her position as social worker. We were all very sad to see her go but we understood it was something she needed to do. As we enter the final stages of the adoption process with our little girl we pray that her case lands in the hands of someone who loves and cares for children just as much as this social worker did. If so...everything will fine. July 21 will be the day.

Happy Birthday To The Love of My Life

Tomorrow I get the distinct pleasure of celebrating the birthday of the most wonderful, handsome, sweetest man in the entire world.....my husband. And if your making those fake gagging sounds at this point I am not ashamed to tell you that after twenty years of marriage my heart still skips a beat when I see him come through the door.....my heart melts when he takes my hand....and I feel like the richest woman in the world when I see him smiling while playing with all our children. When I look around me at all the people I know whos marriages have never made it past the first year I cant help but feel divinely blessed that God honored me with a husband like Rob. Tomorrow I will do my best to make it a very special day for him and as always I will remind him how much he is loved and cherished. Happy Birthday Rob....I love you even more today than 20 years ago.

Prayer Changes Things

There was a time in my life when I was very sick. I had a lot of medical problems and I was just completely and totally miserable. These medical problems are part of what caused me to be unable to have a child of my own. When I first realized just how sick I was I wasnt overly concerned because I already knew I was going to be ok. I had been told all my life...if I am sick I simply bring it to God and he will make me well again. I have taught that same message to others...I depended on it for myself. I have always enjoyed good health most of my life so therefore I never was in the position to have to put that scripture to the test...until my fertility problems surfaced. I have always wanted many children. From as early as I could remember I wanted more than anything to have a huge family. I love children. The thought of not being able to have one was a horrible thing to me. So I did what all good Church of God Cleveland Tennessee women do....I had the elders of the church annoint me with oil and pray for the healing of my body. It didnt happen. At least not the way I wanted to. I wanted God to make everything ok with me so I could have lots of babies and live happily ever after. When it didnt happen the way I thought it should I became bitter and angry with God. I eventually talked myself into believing that God does not perform miracles anymore. I shutter now to think those words even came out of my mouth but they did. I was having a spiritual temper tantrum I guess. When the doctor said the H word to me (hysterectomy) I felt my heart break in two. As long as I had my uterus I always had a hope that one month would come that God would get back to the business of healing folks and it would be my turn. It still didnt happen and I had the surgery ....and became even more bitter. I didnt attend church at all for about 6 months. The weeks and months following the hysterectomy were hard for me but I mended quickly and went back to work just deciding that God didnt care about me anymore. I soon realized that hysterectomy was not such a bad thing in some ways.....I no longer gained 40 pounds of fluid each week....I no longer cried uncontrollably from the hormone pills....the severe bleeding which left me listless and tired was gone too. In fact I felt better than I felt in a long long time. So ok I felt better ...God gives Doctors the knowlege to do what they do....Maybe God did send my healing? Sure he did. It wasnt the way I wanted but his way is better than my way. But what about my kids? God knew how important that was to me. I thought he cared about everything that touches my life? He does. Then the foster children started coming, one by one they came through the door. God healed my body by way of a surgery and he made me a mother too. I have never felt less of a mother because I didnt give birth to the children in my home. And if they are only with me for a season...thats ok too because there are more to come. I believe God didnt give me children of my own for a reason. That reason is laying in the crib across the room right now....there are a few more reasons laying upstairs in their beds sleeping soundly. If I had children of my own I dont know that I would feel the way I do about the children in my home. They come to my door with problems ....some of them have been hurt. I am honored to be allowed to share the journey of their recovery with them. Like an injured bird some of them heal and fly on....it leaves a hole in your heart when that happens but its such a good feeling to see them healthy and whole. I dont want to just settle with children who fly....I want them to soar. I believe they are capable of that. God put them here in my care because he promised to make me a mom...he said he cares about everything that touches our lives....and he really does answer prayer. Its just amazing how he does it just the right way and right time.

Busy Days

We have had an insanely busy two days at our house. It has all been so much fun. Ive discovered something about myself.....I thrive on that sort of activity in the house. There are times when I enjoy a still quiet moment but as it goes in general I like the hustle and bustle of the children moving about, playing and generally just being children. We have also had the pleasure of welcoming a new addition to our house. We now have an adorable 14 month old. He is an active little guy and he came into our house acting like he had been with us forever. We had a lot to do to prepare for his arrival in that we were no longer a babyproof home since our kids were all older...so we had to re baby proof everything before he arrived. The kids are so funny when we welcome a new arrival to our home. I dont care if they are with us for one night as an emergency placement or if they are with us for years the children get excited about greeting each child and they really go our of their way to make them happy. Its really a sweet thing to see. Another thing I love to watch is my husband. My husband has never fathered a child in his life but I would have to say that as far as dads go...he is right at the top. And that is amazing too considering he hasnt always had the best of fatherly role models in his life. Rob and I are soon to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. I love him just as much today as I did 20 years ago. You dont find a lot of men who will welcome as many children as we have into their home and treat them like they were your own. Rob fathers the children in our home 110 percent and when I watch him do it...I fall in love with him again and again. He makes it a point to spend special time with the older boys....sometimes just tossing a ball but he does it faithfully. He makes sure our little girl maintains her position as princess in the house. He sits down just to read or color. He loves them and hes good to them. Rob makes good memories for the children. I love watching him show love to these children.
My oldest boy is in the 5th grade. This year he has been learning the violin at school. Tonight was the 5th grade strings concert. So after school there was a lot of excitement in that we were getting homework done....getting baths and preparing to go back to the school for the concert. I have always loved watching children preform. I dont care if they are singing, dancing, or beating a box. The pure innocence of watching them perform is something you cant measure. N worked hard on his violin lessons all year. I was probably more excited than he was. I arrived early just so I could make sure I had a good seat. I watched him play his pieces and I became so overwhelmed with pride that I felt tears in my eyes. N has had a tough road to travel. I constantly have to remind him that he went through some of the rough times he did so he would have something to work hard for....without his education he would have more rough times to come. N can be a little head strong at times. Not to be my biological child sometimes he reminds me of myself so much. But tonight it was all different. He was excited to be on stage with his instrument. He was excited that we (including my family) were there to support him. I could tell he was proud of himself....and I was proud of him too.
It was a busy day....it was a fun day. It was a day well spent. The children are all tucked away sleeping in their beds and tomorrow the hustle and bustle will start all over again. I wouldnt have it any other way.

Thankful for Birth Moms

This was a nice mothers day. Everyone took time to honor their mother (or mother figure) in their life. All of my foster children went out of their way to make me feel especially honored today to be a part of their lives. This morning during church the pastor asked for all the mothers to raise their hands as they were passing out a small gift for everyone. Since I was sort of close to the back I didnt raise my hand right away...thinking I would as the ushers got closer to me. My little 9 year old foster son J jumped to his feet and began pointing at me and telling everyone around him that I was his mother. He was excited and he wanted to make sure they all knew. That is especially sweet in light of the fact that J and I are not of the same ethnic background so for him to feel that way about me is very much an honor. Because my 2 older children are ages 9 and 10 their memories are very clear of why they are in foster care and the circumstances surrounding what caused them to be where they are today. The seem very content now. Sometimes they both can say some very bitter things about their birth mother. Sometimes I allow them to vent and I always remind them that the best thing they can do is to pray for her....and to work on becoming the best person they can be so they dont get caught up in the cycle that sends so many young people down the same road that she has chosen. For this reason I tend to be very strict on the boys in certain areas. They cant afford to slide by. Success is mandatory when it comes to their education because I believe all children are capable of learning. But anyway.....I couldnt help but think of their mothers today. Sometimes I would get a little angry with their mothers too....especially when they would raise a false hope in the children. I hate to see them disappointed. Today I thought of all the little cards, gifts and flowers I received in honor of Mothers days. All of them from children I did not give birth to. I wondered if this was a hard day for their mothers. As I sat in church thinking about it this morning I kept remembering all the times I have preached to N and J about praying for their mother and it occured to me how many times have I prayed for her. I felt a little hypocritical. I made myself a promise that I would pray for the mothers of the children who live in my home more often...I owe them that much. There are a lot of distressed young ladies who find themselves in crisis pregnancies who dont choose life they way N and J's mother did....there are a lot of mothers who find themselves in crisis situations and choose to harm their children to the point of causing death. I am thankful that the children who make it to my door if nothing else had a mother somewhere who gave them life....so many mothers dont choose that. Although the life so many of these children had prior to arriving at my door was unstable...at least it was life....from the time it became unstable it went into Gods hands who sent someone their way that saw to it these children made it to where they were today. I am thankful for mothers who choose life. I am thankful for Social workers who are attentive to childrens needs. I am thankful for the children placed in my home. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mother. It was a process to get me to this point...and something I could not have done on my own!
And to those 2 young servicemen in San Diego who took the time out of their busy schedules to remember me on mothers day...you have no idea how much that meant to me. What a surprise to hear from you after all this time and to know that you are successful and happy made my day more than words can say. Having the chance to watch you boys grow up was a blessing in my life that I am so thankful for. Continue to put Jesus First in your life....and everything else will fall into place. I love you.
And to Jessica who took the time out on mothers day to call and wish me a happy day....I love you and I am so proud of you and your baby. Jake will always have a grandma at my house whenever he needs one. I am proud of you Jessica for the time you take with little Jake and for being such a wonderful mother to him. It seems like just yesterday I was putting you on the bus for the first day of school...my how time flys!!!
Happy Mothers Day to Everyone

Mothers Day

Today was probably one of the most special days of my life. If you have never had fertility issues you wont understand where I am coming from with this. All my life I dreamed of the day that I would get married and have 10 or 12 children of my own....and I literally meant that. I love kids. You cant put too many children around me. Mothers day is sunday of course and its usually a difficult day for me. I generally spend the day by honoring my mother with a small gift, take a flower or something to my grandmother and thats about the extent of it. I always hated going to church on mothers day and having so much said about mothers and I was generally the only female in the whole congregation who had never given birth. As much as I have accepted the fact that I couldnt bear a child there are some days that it is a little harder to deal with than others. I am a foster mom now and I can say with all my heart that the children who live in my home mean as much to me as if I had given birth to each of them and although some of them are only with me for a season....they are my heart and I love them each and everyone. Most people would say well your a mother since you have foster children and although I do all the mothering things for my kids I hesitate to make too much over mothers day because I dont want to make my children feel saddened for the fact that their own mothers are absent on this day....because in fact no matter what the circumstance is that landed them in foster care they still love the woman who gave birth to them...its natural and I honor that bond and show respect to it. I make it a point to never say anything negative about their mothers no matter how hard it can be at times. Today was a special day to me however. My little girl was getting off the school bus and I was standing in the middle of the yard waiting for her to run into my arms like she always does...its a little game we play each day when she gets off the bus. She was so excited to get home today that she came running up to me and instead of the usual leap into my arms she stopped and she was just smiling and giggling and you could just tell she was bursting with excitement. She couldnt get her bookbag open fast enough to pull out the Mothers day present she had made for me at school today. In the middle of her little handicraft was a picture of herself. She handed it to me and said the most beautiful words I have ever heard.....HERE MOMMY I MADE THIS FOR YOU FOR MOTHERS DAY AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I felt like I was holding the winning lottery ticket. It wasnt what she handed to me that was so special...but the excitement that was in her face when she handed it to me. I will never forget that moment because when she did that I felt more like a mother than I would have if I had given birth to 10 children. So this year will be different. I will talk to the children about their mothers like I always do....remind them to pray for their families and no matter their circumstance to show honor and respect but I will also celebrate Mothers Day this year too.

Stress Breathing

I have a little girl who is what I sometimes refer to as an emotional rollercoaster. This poor little baby has seen more tragedy in her 4 short years on this earth than most grown folks have seen in their entire lives. It shouldnt have been that way. When this little angel first came to live with me she spent the majority of her days in tears. She had just turned 3 when she came to my house. She cried so much the first week that my husband and I were at our wits end for a little while. It wasnt until we were made aware of some of the circumstances surrounding why she came to live with us that we began to understand. She had a good reason to cry. I cried with her a few times as the story of this little girl unfolded around me. You dont generally know everything about a child when they arrive at your door....they just give you what information is necessary to take care of the child. The total picture of the childs problems develop after the honeymoon period is over. The honeymoon period is that few days after they first move in. Many times they are happy to be free from the stress of their own homes so the first few days are really great. They are happy, content, and well behaved. Then they get comfortable. You meet the real child. And you begin to get the total picture of the child as you engage in countless hours of therapy visits and doctors visits. Sometimes it can seem overwhelming. Sometimes you can feel anger....when you see the sadness that these innocent little children have to endure a whole flood of emotions can wash over you. I have never been a huge fan of therapy. Most people who know me would describe me as coldly logical. I dont see a middle ground to anything with a lot of ease....many times it has to be pointed out for me. To me...its either right...or wrong.....no ifs ands or buts. I inherited that from my father. I do however support all my children in their therapy efforts so I have spent the last year and a half visiting a therapist once a week with this beautiful little girl. Mostly the therapy sessions always consist of how to help this little girl identify her emotions and develop good responses to the feelings she has. The first time we walked into therapy and I saw the therapist that would be guiding us through this process, the first thing that popped into my mind was that she was just a little girl herself....how in the world could she help this child. I dont know how old our therapist is but I can say this about her. She has changed my whole outlook about therapy. She has proven beyond a shadow of doubt that it does in fact help. She has been a wonderful resource for our family. One of the coping methods our little girl learns from therapy is how to do stress breathing. I realize it seems like a simple concept but think about it for a minute. If your in a stress related situation how many people would think to "do their breathing" in order to get control of the situation. So I spent a lot of the last year reminding this little girl to do her breathing....and it works. This therapist has made huge strides in helping this beautiful little girl develop various ways to control her emotions. Recently I was stopped for a traffic infraction in the city of Norfolk. For some reason the sight of those flashing lights in my rearview mirror struck a fear in my heart that sucked the breath right out of me. I dont know why it frightened me...its not like I have a criminal record or anything. It was embarassing for one thing. I felt like everyone was looking at me. I felt like I was about to be publicly executed. My little girl was sitting in her car seat as I pulled over and handed the officer my drivers license. The officer walked back to her car. My little girl was sitting there taking all this in and I was sitting there trying not to let her see my cry....she never said anything while the officer was at the window but as soon as she walked aways ...she looked over at me and said you know mommy if your scared just do your breathing! I couldnt help but smile when she said that. She placed her little hand on her chest and I did the same on my mine and she and I sat there and did our stress breathing. In a few moments I did feel better. I felt better because I blew out some of my stress......and I felt better because the little girl sitting in my car seat was getting better. She was learning to control her emotions and for that moment she was helping me control mine! When the officer came back to the window I was back in control of myself. So from now on when your facing a stressful situation do the same thing we do......take a few moments and DO YOUR BREATHING!

PTA SHOW

I know I talk a lot about my children. I love them and its a lot of excitement to me to see them grow and change in positive ways. I have spent the better part of my life taking care of other peoples children in some form or fashion. I think God put certain people on earth to do just that. I was one of them. And in some ways I feel quite honored by that.....not that I wouldnt have loved to have had several children of my own, I just dont believe there is any higher calling than to minister to the needs of a small child. I have been honored to be a foster parent, custodial Aunt, child care provider, sunday school teacher, youth director, children church director and the list goes on and on. I have noticed in my experience with children that the vast majority of them are pretty much the same. They want you to love and appreciate them. But many times there is a lot of sadness involved when dealing with children too. The other night I went to the PTA meeting at my children's school. One of the little boys that I day care invited us to hear him sing in the school program. I arrived a little early and we took a seat. This was the Kindergarten musical so naturally the place was filled with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles all eagerly waiting to see their little angel on stage at school for the very first time. While I was sitting there waiting a rather pretty lady pushing a baby in a stroller arrived to get a seat with her family. I didnt notice her right away until the baby dropped his pacifier. This young mother stood up in front of me and leaned over the seat to pick up the baby's pacifier and her dress was so short I was able to see that she was wearing a black thong underneath. It was way more information than I needed to know. We wont even dwell on the fact that she picked up the pacifier from the dirty floor and put it back into the babys mouth who couldnt have been more than 3 or 4 months old. I sat there embarassed for her while the 2 gentlemen behind me contemplated giving her a standing ovation. I thought of her poor little child who from now on will always be known at the kids whos mom wore a thong to PTA. Now I am not trying to sound critical or mean at all....I have my days too....but not 5 minutes after that a large family comes rushing in looking for a seat all together. They had what I assumed to be the grandmother with them. Now she was one of those young hip looking grandmas, nothing at all like what I would be. Grandma had on a nice summer dress and it was cut so low in the front that I wasnt sure if I was viewing a polka dot on her dress or her navel. Underneath all of that was no bra. Now I know you can guess what happens to the breasts of the vast majority of women who are on the downside of 40 - thats right they start reaching for the knee caps - and this woman was no different. When the little girl they were there to support was named student of the month this hip young looking grandma leaped to her feet causing her left breast to topple out where I could see the entire thing. She quickly pulled a Janet Jackson and pushed it right back in. I considered slipping her a bill for $5 value meal I could no longer eat but I didnt. I silently wondered if I was at PTA or a porno freak show. Then it happened. The kindergarteners arrived on the stage. They sang their songs and did a wonderful job. I was looking at them and thinking to myself that up on that stage could be the next president, next civil rights activist, maybe even the next cure for cancer.....you never really know when it comes to little kids. Their potential is boundless. Life is hard on kids as it is. Lets not make it even harder by making a spectacle out of ourselves when we are out in public. Lets give them every opportunity in the world to grow up with a good self esteem and balanced mental health. Lets set the example for the children to follow. When they see mom and grandma out in public exposing their body for all the world to see it sends a message to the kids that its ok. I thought of that woman in the black thong in front of me - her dress barely reached the bottom of her read end. You could tell she went to a lot of effort to get ready....only to top her whole look off with a dress that looked like a hookers uniform. I was reminded of how much I need to be careful of the example I am setting too. The children are watching....lets guide them in such a way they can have self respect. It will affect every aspect of their developing lives.

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