I have hesitated to blog recently about all the good things that have been happening lately. God had answered some prayers and we are so humbled to the point of not even having words to describe how we are feeling.
Today was one of my former foster childs birthday. He was 5 years old today. I had him one month shy of 3 years and he was given to his paternal grandmother along with his sister in what I as well as many others at social service thought was a very unfair and cruel thing to do. The grandmother doesnt like me so since they have been gone my contact with them has been very limited. It hurt me a lot. More than I could ever sit here and tell you. The day those 2 children left my family it felt as if my own child had been ripped from my arms. I mourned that loss. And to make matters worse...these 2 children were part of a sibling group of 4 and she chose to only take 2 of them. Today was his 5th birthday and I was given the opportunity to share some time with him on this day. I went out and bought his gifts, got cupcakes, pizza and drinks and went to chuck e cheese and waited for social service to show up with them. The 2 little ones came in the door and raced into my arms and the first words that popped from their mouths was i love you mommy. My heart just melted. We spent the next hour or so playing the games and opening the gifts and just had a wonderful (but short) time. I took so many pictures with my digital camera my battery went down after a while. All too quickly it was time to leave. I stood back and let them say their good byes to their brothers and watched while I choked back the tears. I didnt let them see me cry....its not what I am trained to do. But it was a hard hard thing to watch them walk away again. Like 2 little soldiers. I can only leave them in Gods hands now. I pray for them. I wonder what they are doing each day. I am back home now and I am surprised at how exhausted I am......I feel emotionally drained. I downloaded my camera and watched that hour I had with them all over again while I was alone....then I cried. Those children didnt mind that I was a different color than they were.....to them I was their mom. I always will be. There is nothing social services can do to change that. I pray that God keeps them safe and happy. I miss them with all my heart.
Happy Birthday Mommys Baby! I love you more and more and more.
Sometimes friends come into our lives when we least expect them. I first met one particular friend when she was in training for her new position as a Social Worker for the department I work with. She came to my home with another social worker and introduced herself. We didnt know at that time that she would grow to become someone we would consider a dear friend. Later I came into contact with her again when she became the newly assigned case worker for one of my children. She and I worked rather closely as a team while we did our best to ensure that this little girl became whole and complete as she dealt with the horrible things that happened in her past. During the time of working with this social worker I came to see that she not only cared about her cases while they were sitting on her desk but she took that burden in her heart as she went home each night as well. She loved each child that was assigned to her. Her extra effort made all the difference in the healing of this little girl....and it made all the difference in me as well. She was a breath of fresh air after having dealt with some Social Workers that seemed to have personal agendas, biases or otherwise didnt care. I am sad to say that I have had kids in my home for extended periods of time and have had noone call about them for months. This social worker always went the extra mile and sometime during our conversations over the last year we began to form a friendship. I consider her an extended part of my family now. Today she moved to another state and resigned her position as social worker. We were all very sad to see her go but we understood it was something she needed to do. As we enter the final stages of the adoption process with our little girl we pray that her case lands in the hands of someone who loves and cares for children just as much as this social worker did. If so...everything will fine. July 21 will be the day.
Tomorrow I get the distinct pleasure of celebrating the birthday of the most wonderful, handsome, sweetest man in the entire world.....my husband. And if your making those fake gagging sounds at this point I am not ashamed to tell you that after twenty years of marriage my heart still skips a beat when I see him come through the door.....my heart melts when he takes my hand....and I feel like the richest woman in the world when I see him smiling while playing with all our children. When I look around me at all the people I know whos marriages have never made it past the first year I cant help but feel divinely blessed that God honored me with a husband like Rob. Tomorrow I will do my best to make it a very special day for him and as always I will remind him how much he is loved and cherished. Happy Birthday Rob....I love you even more today than 20 years ago.
There was a time in my life when I was very sick. I had a lot of medical problems and I was just completely and totally miserable. These medical problems are part of what caused me to be unable to have a child of my own. When I first realized just how sick I was I wasnt overly concerned because I already knew I was going to be ok. I had been told all my life...if I am sick I simply bring it to God and he will make me well again. I have taught that same message to others...I depended on it for myself. I have always enjoyed good health most of my life so therefore I never was in the position to have to put that scripture to the test...until my fertility problems surfaced. I have always wanted many children. From as early as I could remember I wanted more than anything to have a huge family. I love children. The thought of not being able to have one was a horrible thing to me. So I did what all good Church of God Cleveland Tennessee women do....I had the elders of the church annoint me with oil and pray for the healing of my body. It didnt happen. At least not the way I wanted to. I wanted God to make everything ok with me so I could have lots of babies and live happily ever after. When it didnt happen the way I thought it should I became bitter and angry with God. I eventually talked myself into believing that God does not perform miracles anymore. I shutter now to think those words even came out of my mouth but they did. I was having a spiritual temper tantrum I guess. When the doctor said the H word to me (hysterectomy) I felt my heart break in two. As long as I had my uterus I always had a hope that one month would come that God would get back to the business of healing folks and it would be my turn. It still didnt happen and I had the surgery ....and became even more bitter. I didnt attend church at all for about 6 months. The weeks and months following the hysterectomy were hard for me but I mended quickly and went back to work just deciding that God didnt care about me anymore. I soon realized that hysterectomy was not such a bad thing in some ways.....I no longer gained 40 pounds of fluid each week....I no longer cried uncontrollably from the hormone pills....the severe bleeding which left me listless and tired was gone too. In fact I felt better than I felt in a long long time. So ok I felt better ...God gives Doctors the knowlege to do what they do....Maybe God did send my healing? Sure he did. It wasnt the way I wanted but his way is better than my way. But what about my kids? God knew how important that was to me. I thought he cared about everything that touches my life? He does. Then the foster children started coming, one by one they came through the door. God healed my body by way of a surgery and he made me a mother too. I have never felt less of a mother because I didnt give birth to the children in my home. And if they are only with me for a season...thats ok too because there are more to come. I believe God didnt give me children of my own for a reason. That reason is laying in the crib across the room right now....there are a few more reasons laying upstairs in their beds sleeping soundly. If I had children of my own I dont know that I would feel the way I do about the children in my home. They come to my door with problems ....some of them have been hurt. I am honored to be allowed to share the journey of their recovery with them. Like an injured bird some of them heal and fly on....it leaves a hole in your heart when that happens but its such a good feeling to see them healthy and whole. I dont want to just settle with children who fly....I want them to soar. I believe they are capable of that. God put them here in my care because he promised to make me a mom...he said he cares about everything that touches our lives....and he really does answer prayer. Its just amazing how he does it just the right way and right time.
We have had an insanely busy two days at our house. It has all been so much fun. Ive discovered something about myself.....I thrive on that sort of activity in the house. There are times when I enjoy a still quiet moment but as it goes in general I like the hustle and bustle of the children moving about, playing and generally just being children. We have also had the pleasure of welcoming a new addition to our house. We now have an adorable 14 month old. He is an active little guy and he came into our house acting like he had been with us forever. We had a lot to do to prepare for his arrival in that we were no longer a babyproof home since our kids were all older...so we had to re baby proof everything before he arrived. The kids are so funny when we welcome a new arrival to our home. I dont care if they are with us for one night as an emergency placement or if they are with us for years the children get excited about greeting each child and they really go our of their way to make them happy. Its really a sweet thing to see. Another thing I love to watch is my husband. My husband has never fathered a child in his life but I would have to say that as far as dads go...he is right at the top. And that is amazing too considering he hasnt always had the best of fatherly role models in his life. Rob and I are soon to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. I love him just as much today as I did 20 years ago. You dont find a lot of men who will welcome as many children as we have into their home and treat them like they were your own. Rob fathers the children in our home 110 percent and when I watch him do it...I fall in love with him again and again. He makes it a point to spend special time with the older boys....sometimes just tossing a ball but he does it faithfully. He makes sure our little girl maintains her position as princess in the house. He sits down just to read or color. He loves them and hes good to them. Rob makes good memories for the children. I love watching him show love to these children.
My oldest boy is in the 5th grade. This year he has been learning the violin at school. Tonight was the 5th grade strings concert. So after school there was a lot of excitement in that we were getting homework done....getting baths and preparing to go back to the school for the concert. I have always loved watching children preform. I dont care if they are singing, dancing, or beating a box. The pure innocence of watching them perform is something you cant measure. N worked hard on his violin lessons all year. I was probably more excited than he was. I arrived early just so I could make sure I had a good seat. I watched him play his pieces and I became so overwhelmed with pride that I felt tears in my eyes. N has had a tough road to travel. I constantly have to remind him that he went through some of the rough times he did so he would have something to work hard for....without his education he would have more rough times to come. N can be a little head strong at times. Not to be my biological child sometimes he reminds me of myself so much. But tonight it was all different. He was excited to be on stage with his instrument. He was excited that we (including my family) were there to support him. I could tell he was proud of himself....and I was proud of him too.
It was a busy day....it was a fun day. It was a day well spent. The children are all tucked away sleeping in their beds and tomorrow the hustle and bustle will start all over again. I wouldnt have it any other way.
This was a nice mothers day. Everyone took time to honor their mother (or mother figure) in their life. All of my foster children went out of their way to make me feel especially honored today to be a part of their lives. This morning during church the pastor asked for all the mothers to raise their hands as they were passing out a small gift for everyone. Since I was sort of close to the back I didnt raise my hand right away...thinking I would as the ushers got closer to me. My little 9 year old foster son J jumped to his feet and began pointing at me and telling everyone around him that I was his mother. He was excited and he wanted to make sure they all knew. That is especially sweet in light of the fact that J and I are not of the same ethnic background so for him to feel that way about me is very much an honor. Because my 2 older children are ages 9 and 10 their memories are very clear of why they are in foster care and the circumstances surrounding what caused them to be where they are today. The seem very content now. Sometimes they both can say some very bitter things about their birth mother. Sometimes I allow them to vent and I always remind them that the best thing they can do is to pray for her....and to work on becoming the best person they can be so they dont get caught up in the cycle that sends so many young people down the same road that she has chosen. For this reason I tend to be very strict on the boys in certain areas. They cant afford to slide by. Success is mandatory when it comes to their education because I believe all children are capable of learning. But anyway.....I couldnt help but think of their mothers today. Sometimes I would get a little angry with their mothers too....especially when they would raise a false hope in the children. I hate to see them disappointed. Today I thought of all the little cards, gifts and flowers I received in honor of Mothers days. All of them from children I did not give birth to. I wondered if this was a hard day for their mothers. As I sat in church thinking about it this morning I kept remembering all the times I have preached to N and J about praying for their mother and it occured to me how many times have I prayed for her. I felt a little hypocritical. I made myself a promise that I would pray for the mothers of the children who live in my home more often...I owe them that much. There are a lot of distressed young ladies who find themselves in crisis pregnancies who dont choose life they way N and J's mother did....there are a lot of mothers who find themselves in crisis situations and choose to harm their children to the point of causing death. I am thankful that the children who make it to my door if nothing else had a mother somewhere who gave them life....so many mothers dont choose that. Although the life so many of these children had prior to arriving at my door was unstable...at least it was life....from the time it became unstable it went into Gods hands who sent someone their way that saw to it these children made it to where they were today. I am thankful for mothers who choose life. I am thankful for Social workers who are attentive to childrens needs. I am thankful for the children placed in my home. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mother. It was a process to get me to this point...and something I could not have done on my own!
And to those 2 young servicemen in San Diego who took the time out of their busy schedules to remember me on mothers day...you have no idea how much that meant to me. What a surprise to hear from you after all this time and to know that you are successful and happy made my day more than words can say. Having the chance to watch you boys grow up was a blessing in my life that I am so thankful for. Continue to put Jesus First in your life....and everything else will fall into place. I love you.
And to Jessica who took the time out on mothers day to call and wish me a happy day....I love you and I am so proud of you and your baby. Jake will always have a grandma at my house whenever he needs one. I am proud of you Jessica for the time you take with little Jake and for being such a wonderful mother to him. It seems like just yesterday I was putting you on the bus for the first day of school...my how time flys!!!
Happy Mothers Day to Everyone
Today was probably one of the most special days of my life. If you have never had fertility issues you wont understand where I am coming from with this. All my life I dreamed of the day that I would get married and have 10 or 12 children of my own....and I literally meant that. I love kids. You cant put too many children around me. Mothers day is sunday of course and its usually a difficult day for me. I generally spend the day by honoring my mother with a small gift, take a flower or something to my grandmother and thats about the extent of it. I always hated going to church on mothers day and having so much said about mothers and I was generally the only female in the whole congregation who had never given birth. As much as I have accepted the fact that I couldnt bear a child there are some days that it is a little harder to deal with than others. I am a foster mom now and I can say with all my heart that the children who live in my home mean as much to me as if I had given birth to each of them and although some of them are only with me for a season....they are my heart and I love them each and everyone. Most people would say well your a mother since you have foster children and although I do all the mothering things for my kids I hesitate to make too much over mothers day because I dont want to make my children feel saddened for the fact that their own mothers are absent on this day....because in fact no matter what the circumstance is that landed them in foster care they still love the woman who gave birth to them...its natural and I honor that bond and show respect to it. I make it a point to never say anything negative about their mothers no matter how hard it can be at times. Today was a special day to me however. My little girl was getting off the school bus and I was standing in the middle of the yard waiting for her to run into my arms like she always does...its a little game we play each day when she gets off the bus. She was so excited to get home today that she came running up to me and instead of the usual leap into my arms she stopped and she was just smiling and giggling and you could just tell she was bursting with excitement. She couldnt get her bookbag open fast enough to pull out the Mothers day present she had made for me at school today. In the middle of her little handicraft was a picture of herself. She handed it to me and said the most beautiful words I have ever heard.....HERE MOMMY I MADE THIS FOR YOU FOR MOTHERS DAY AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I felt like I was holding the winning lottery ticket. It wasnt what she handed to me that was so special...but the excitement that was in her face when she handed it to me. I will never forget that moment because when she did that I felt more like a mother than I would have if I had given birth to 10 children. So this year will be different. I will talk to the children about their mothers like I always do....remind them to pray for their families and no matter their circumstance to show honor and respect but I will also celebrate Mothers Day this year too.
I have a little girl who is what I sometimes refer to as an emotional rollercoaster. This poor little baby has seen more tragedy in her 4 short years on this earth than most grown folks have seen in their entire lives. It shouldnt have been that way. When this little angel first came to live with me she spent the majority of her days in tears. She had just turned 3 when she came to my house. She cried so much the first week that my husband and I were at our wits end for a little while. It wasnt until we were made aware of some of the circumstances surrounding why she came to live with us that we began to understand. She had a good reason to cry. I cried with her a few times as the story of this little girl unfolded around me. You dont generally know everything about a child when they arrive at your door....they just give you what information is necessary to take care of the child. The total picture of the childs problems develop after the honeymoon period is over. The honeymoon period is that few days after they first move in. Many times they are happy to be free from the stress of their own homes so the first few days are really great. They are happy, content, and well behaved. Then they get comfortable. You meet the real child. And you begin to get the total picture of the child as you engage in countless hours of therapy visits and doctors visits. Sometimes it can seem overwhelming. Sometimes you can feel anger....when you see the sadness that these innocent little children have to endure a whole flood of emotions can wash over you. I have never been a huge fan of therapy. Most people who know me would describe me as coldly logical. I dont see a middle ground to anything with a lot of ease....many times it has to be pointed out for me. To me...its either right...or wrong.....no ifs ands or buts. I inherited that from my father. I do however support all my children in their therapy efforts so I have spent the last year and a half visiting a therapist once a week with this beautiful little girl. Mostly the therapy sessions always consist of how to help this little girl identify her emotions and develop good responses to the feelings she has. The first time we walked into therapy and I saw the therapist that would be guiding us through this process, the first thing that popped into my mind was that she was just a little girl herself....how in the world could she help this child. I dont know how old our therapist is but I can say this about her. She has changed my whole outlook about therapy. She has proven beyond a shadow of doubt that it does in fact help. She has been a wonderful resource for our family. One of the coping methods our little girl learns from therapy is how to do stress breathing. I realize it seems like a simple concept but think about it for a minute. If your in a stress related situation how many people would think to "do their breathing" in order to get control of the situation. So I spent a lot of the last year reminding this little girl to do her breathing....and it works. This therapist has made huge strides in helping this beautiful little girl develop various ways to control her emotions. Recently I was stopped for a traffic infraction in the city of Norfolk. For some reason the sight of those flashing lights in my rearview mirror struck a fear in my heart that sucked the breath right out of me. I dont know why it frightened me...its not like I have a criminal record or anything. It was embarassing for one thing. I felt like everyone was looking at me. I felt like I was about to be publicly executed. My little girl was sitting in her car seat as I pulled over and handed the officer my drivers license. The officer walked back to her car. My little girl was sitting there taking all this in and I was sitting there trying not to let her see my cry....she never said anything while the officer was at the window but as soon as she walked aways ...she looked over at me and said you know mommy if your scared just do your breathing! I couldnt help but smile when she said that. She placed her little hand on her chest and I did the same on my mine and she and I sat there and did our stress breathing. In a few moments I did feel better. I felt better because I blew out some of my stress......and I felt better because the little girl sitting in my car seat was getting better. She was learning to control her emotions and for that moment she was helping me control mine! When the officer came back to the window I was back in control of myself. So from now on when your facing a stressful situation do the same thing we do......take a few moments and DO YOUR BREATHING!
I know I talk a lot about my children. I love them and its a lot of excitement to me to see them grow and change in positive ways. I have spent the better part of my life taking care of other peoples children in some form or fashion. I think God put certain people on earth to do just that. I was one of them. And in some ways I feel quite honored by that.....not that I wouldnt have loved to have had several children of my own, I just dont believe there is any higher calling than to minister to the needs of a small child. I have been honored to be a foster parent, custodial Aunt, child care provider, sunday school teacher, youth director, children church director and the list goes on and on. I have noticed in my experience with children that the vast majority of them are pretty much the same. They want you to love and appreciate them. But many times there is a lot of sadness involved when dealing with children too. The other night I went to the PTA meeting at my children's school. One of the little boys that I day care invited us to hear him sing in the school program. I arrived a little early and we took a seat. This was the Kindergarten musical so naturally the place was filled with parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles all eagerly waiting to see their little angel on stage at school for the very first time. While I was sitting there waiting a rather pretty lady pushing a baby in a stroller arrived to get a seat with her family. I didnt notice her right away until the baby dropped his pacifier. This young mother stood up in front of me and leaned over the seat to pick up the baby's pacifier and her dress was so short I was able to see that she was wearing a black thong underneath. It was way more information than I needed to know. We wont even dwell on the fact that she picked up the pacifier from the dirty floor and put it back into the babys mouth who couldnt have been more than 3 or 4 months old. I sat there embarassed for her while the 2 gentlemen behind me contemplated giving her a standing ovation. I thought of her poor little child who from now on will always be known at the kids whos mom wore a thong to PTA. Now I am not trying to sound critical or mean at all....I have my days too....but not 5 minutes after that a large family comes rushing in looking for a seat all together. They had what I assumed to be the grandmother with them. Now she was one of those young hip looking grandmas, nothing at all like what I would be. Grandma had on a nice summer dress and it was cut so low in the front that I wasnt sure if I was viewing a polka dot on her dress or her navel. Underneath all of that was no bra. Now I know you can guess what happens to the breasts of the vast majority of women who are on the downside of 40 - thats right they start reaching for the knee caps - and this woman was no different. When the little girl they were there to support was named student of the month this hip young looking grandma leaped to her feet causing her left breast to topple out where I could see the entire thing. She quickly pulled a Janet Jackson and pushed it right back in. I considered slipping her a bill for $5 value meal I could no longer eat but I didnt. I silently wondered if I was at PTA or a porno freak show. Then it happened. The kindergarteners arrived on the stage. They sang their songs and did a wonderful job. I was looking at them and thinking to myself that up on that stage could be the next president, next civil rights activist, maybe even the next cure for cancer.....you never really know when it comes to little kids. Their potential is boundless. Life is hard on kids as it is. Lets not make it even harder by making a spectacle out of ourselves when we are out in public. Lets give them every opportunity in the world to grow up with a good self esteem and balanced mental health. Lets set the example for the children to follow. When they see mom and grandma out in public exposing their body for all the world to see it sends a message to the kids that its ok. I thought of that woman in the black thong in front of me - her dress barely reached the bottom of her read end. You could tell she went to a lot of effort to get ready....only to top her whole look off with a dress that looked like a hookers uniform. I was reminded of how much I need to be careful of the example I am setting too. The children are watching....lets guide them in such a way they can have self respect. It will affect every aspect of their developing lives.
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Mary's Blog
You will notice that many times I refer to the children that live in my home by just an initial. I also blur out the faces of all the children that live in my home in any pictures you may see on this blog. It isnt that I am not proud of them...I do this in order to maintain the confidentiality of the children and their families.
