Post Christmas Blues

Its strange how the Christmas season can stress a person out so much...then poof its gone. I worry every year that I wont have enough for the children so much that I sit up on Christmas eve night and cook and count presents. I try to make sure they all get the same. Then you worry over the food and the decorations. Its worth it all when you see their faces light up on Christmas morning. I dont want my children to think of nothing but the gifts and I think this year God has really been dealing with me about how we celebrate our holidays. I had such great memories of holiday celebrations as a child and I want these kids to have those same precious memories and if it means I get no rest at all on Christmas eve night then so be it. But as I say every year ....NEXT YEAR I AM GOING TO HAVE A BETTER GAME PLAN.
Anyway......R came back from his overnight visit and he seemed like he enjoyed himself well enough. He will have another visit coming up on the weekend. They seemed like a lovely family and I sure they were good to him. It must be so hard on the kids however....I can see a lot of irritation in R since he got back and a lot of it has been directed at me.
N and J will have a visit with their mom on Monday. They are refusing to go and are probably going to have to have some push from me to get them there. They have been with me for a while...almost 4 years. N gets very nervous when he hears his mom mentioned. I wish he didnt feel that way about her. I have tried very hard to tell him we can love someone without loving the things they do. He has a lot of bad memories to work through but with the grace of God I know hes going to be ok.
So with all the hustle and bustle of the Christmas festivities it seems a little boring around here already....post Christmas blues maybe? I even heard one of the kids ask how many more days until we go back to school!

The Children are Nestled All Snug in the Bed

Every year I tell myself the same lie...Im not going to be wrapping gifts on Christmas eve...and here I am again wrapping away. I stress myself every year that I dont have enough things for each child, or one might have a little more. I try to be fair across the board. But the wrapping thing...just wait til next year, I am going to do better!
R came home from his overnight visit and he seemed like he had a good time. I didnt ask him a lot about it because I didnt want him to feel uncomfortable sharing it with me. He did seem like he had a good time and I hope that he did. I still pray that somehow...someway...he can be adopted with his siblings. I believe siblings should be together. I dont think they are exhausting every opportunity to adopt them as a group. When kids get seperated in the system they lose out on so much.
So Christmas is here once again and after a few short hours it will be over again. I reminded my kids again tonite that its all about a birthday. This is a night of excitement and enthusiasm for children and mine are no exception to the rule. We do that Santa bit but I also tell my kids that every good and perfect gift comes from God. I want them to always remember that.
I thought a little bit tonite about the kids that are not with me this year that spent Christmas past with us...I wondered how they were doing. I missed them all very much tonite. I pray they are all safe and happy and have a tree with lots of presents and love to share in the morning. No matter if they stay in my home for years or days...I pray for them all tonite....
And to Nicolas...circumstances didnt allow us to be together this year but God knows our hearts...You will always be my son. When you looked at me you didnt see a skin color you saw your mom...when I looked at you I saw a piece of heaven. Every night before I tucked you into your bed we would always say.....I love you forever, I like you for always...always forever my baby youll be. Sometimes I would pretend to forget to say it and you would remind me. Thank you Nicolas...for making me a mom. I know I will hold you again someday.

Merry Christmas

Protective Mode

Every child that enters my home even if for a short period of time leaves a foot print on my heart. I have a little boy who came to me on July 4 of this past year. Of all the kids I have had he was a little bit of a challenge in that he didnt trust anyone right off. That was because of the things that had happened to him already prior to coming to my door. I had to work at it with R. I was determined to win this childs love. I would try to hug him and he would become stiff like and pull away. I would make sure he heard me say I love you to him at least one time every day. He never would respond back. Time passed and he began to share some experiences with me. He learned I was not going to hit him, scream at him, or lock him in a room for punishment. Now enough time has passed that when I say I love you to him...he says I love you too. When I hug him...he hugs me back. I felt like I won the lottery. I knew when he came to my home he was there as a temporary placement....he needed an adoptive home, along with his two sisters. Now all this time has passed and I have seen this little boy grow by leaps and bounds. I dont take credit for any of that ....God worked in this childs life, not me. Now I realize I was told from the very beginning that he was a temporary placement but it just seemed like time kept marching on and we got complacent. I did mention to this social worker that we would be willing to make a home for him if he needed one but I found out they already had one in the making for him. So I got the call....he would be going to spend the night with a family that was interested in adopting him. It is funny how that made me feel. I went right into protective mode. I silently wondered what kind of woman she would be. I prayed that she would be good to him and silently thought of all the bad things I would wish on her if she wasnt. So today I dropped him off to her. He was really sad on the way and that didnt make me feel any better but I do hope and pray that everything will work out for him...hes been in the system way too long. Children should never be raised in foster care. I cant imagine having to live everyday wondering if this would be the day they would take me some place else. I reminded him that when the day comes and he has to leave our house that we would always be family with him...he would always be a part of us. R is a tough little kid and he makes sure he keeps a little shield around himself at all times. I saw a tear run down his cheek when I started to leave. I couldnt look back because I wanted to only encourage him. He is a precious gift from God.....I hope they find that out while visiting with him tonite.

Forwarded Letter From Jesus

Someone sent me this and I thought it was worth saving. I dont know who to give credit to for writing it but I wanted to share it anyway. If someone knows who is the original writer of it please let me know and I will give credit where it is due. I generally dont send forwarded emails but this one was very thought provoking.



Letter from Jesus about Christmas --

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are
Taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't
Actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your
Predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a
Time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered
Anytime.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily
Understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your
Own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My
Birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in
Which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get
Rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene
On your own front lawn If all My followers did that there wouldn't be
Any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many
Of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday
Tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can
Remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish:
I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in
Relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten
That one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my
Wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday
Is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away
From home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I
Know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them
Personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.


3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the
Cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him
That you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up.
It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and
They don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth,
And why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and
Remind them that I love them.

5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.


6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own
Life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you
Don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm
Smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the
Holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm
Smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry
Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop
Shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that
Day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with
Their families

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary--
Especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never
Heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your
Town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they
Have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some
Food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other
Charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and
Loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret
That you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions
That you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do
What I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out
The list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the
Ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all
Those whom you love and remember:


I LOVE YOU,
JESUS

The Christmas Play

Tonight was the Childrens Christmas Play. The Annual Christmas Play was always a special time for me growing up and even into adulthood when I went from being an actor to putting one on. It just puts me in the Christmas mood. Churches have changed so much over the years and they dont put a lot of emphasis on the childrens christmas play anymore and I think its sad. The church I attend has a Christmas cantata for the adults and its full of glitz and glamour so much to the point that they have to raise money to put them on. To me it takes away the innocence of the whole manger scene when the children are not in it. My church doesnt even have service on sunday nights anymore...its not something I am proud of. I am a little old fashioned in a lot of ways. I want my children to have all those precious memories growing up that I had. My children attend a local church of a different faith on sunday nights. So we go to the Church of God on Sunday mornings and a local consevative Baptist house of worship for sunday night...odd mix huh? But the Bible says the same God over all is faithful to all that call on his name. My kids all had parts in the play tonite and I went to see them and it was the cutest thing I think I ever saw. My little girl was singing with the children in the choir all dressed up in her costume after presenting her gift to the baby Jesus...and all of a sudden during the singing she decided to dance. She really cut a rug for the Baptist people...she got so excited with her singing that she toppled off the stage at one point. I was so amused I had tears in my eyes. I told the pastor after church that I was sorry for my daughters excitement but she was full of the spirit tonite...he replied..."I am glad she was here she made the whole play."
Memories...thats what its all about. I was proud of all my children. They did a super job. I bet they will always remember tonite too.

Merry Christmas

Growing Pains

I have an 11 year old. He is smart, good looking, athletic and just an all around good kid.....under normal circumstances. Lately he has become moody, overbearing and mean. I have come to the conclusion that he must be hormonal. For the last few days he has been the most unhappy, unsatisfied and weepy little boy in the world. I have a dreaded feeling that he is slowly approaching the teen years!!!!! Aughhhhhhhhh! For some reason I feel an incredible need to stop, drop and pray. But thats ok...we will make it. We made it through so much already. N has been through the normal run of tragedies that foster children go through and he has survived....I feel confident he can make it through the hormonal progression of teen years. The reason I say that I think it is hormones is because he has been asking a lot of questions lately. And I am glad he feels confident enough to ask me those questions although there have been a few times when I wished he would just stop!!!!!! You cant keep them small forever though. I have been trying to answer everything he has asked openly and honestly and back everything up with scriptures. I realize its a different approach than what he might have been used to in his life prior to living with me but its the approach I choose for my children in everything. The other night he asked me if he was allowed to have a girlfriend. I immediately started running down the list of all the little girls I though might be preying on my innocent little boy so I know his mind is in the realm of the preteen ideas. I have been N's foster parent for almost 4 years now so I really feel like he is mine anyway and hopefully in January he will be. In the mean time we will ride the rollercoaster of tween emotions and see where it lands us!

Its A Done Deal!

This has been an overwhelming few days. I had planned to blog something all week but just didnt get around to it simply because I was sitting at home waiting for something to fall through or to go wrong. We had a court date for the finalization of our little girls adoption and it has been such a complicated case I just didnt trust anything until I held that paper in my hand with the judges signature on it. So Friday morning we went to court and arrived a whole hour early because I was not about to leave anything to chance. I invisioned the van breaking down....the bridge being stuck....the judge calling out sick. It was nerve racking to say the least. It was worth it though. When it was all said and done I have a beautiful child to raise to love and serve God. Before the judge hits that desk and says its official you tend to walk on pins and needles because any number of things could cause the child services to pick them up and move them some place else. And when you invest your heart in a child and you love them more than life itself it can be a heart wrenching thing to see them go. That is why I call it the 3rd trimester of my adoption. When a woman is pregnant I am sure her mind is consumed with all the possibilites...good and bad...its the same way when you adopt. Anyway ...thats is in the past. She is my daughter now and I will do my best to raise her to love and serve the Lord.
My boys were a little disappointed. They didnt understand why they were not adopted as well. J asked me why I didnt adopt him first since he was here first. It is hard to explain policy to a child when all they are looking for is stability and love. J and N both have a court date very soon and we will see what becomes of that. They have been in foster care for a very long time and I think they have become tired of the process. It has to be hard on a child. In 4 years only one person has stepped in and offered to take the boys and they refused to go with her because they say she was abusive to them as well. Kids really have it hard. We shouldnt have to live in a society where children have to wonder where they will live from one month to the next.
But the weekend came after the court was done and we had a celebration. We kept it low key. As much as I love her I didnt feel like I could openly celebrate too too much....after all we did receive a huge blessing by having her as our daughter ....but some where out there was a family that will never be as well. And that is sad in some ways too. We have so much to be thankful for.
I had no idea how much a piece of paper would mean to me. Morgan was my daughter a long time ago but that little piece of paper brough so much security its kind of odd actually....I was her mom long a ago....but now I am her mom and it just feels different. I know it doesnt make sense but it does in my world and thats all that matters really. She is growing every day and I am just going to enjoy the here and now. Its bed time and I rambled this blog so badly I must be exhausted....nite nite