Our Adoption Journey

For many years my husband and I have dealt with the disappointment caused by infertility. Anyone who knows me could readily tell you that for as long as I could I have always taken care of someones child. I began babysitting at the age of eleven and along with that came a life long love of children. I dreamed of the day I would walk down the aisle and marry the man of my dreams and begin to raise a huge family and then reap the benefit of grandchildren and great grandchildren as well. That was my paradise. Many people thought I was nuts. I am a firm believer that every child is a blessing from God and I was just sure he was going to bless my marriage with many children; after all I had followed all the rules my entire life - I was a good person, went to church, stayed out of trouble, finished school and worked hard to make sure my parents were proud of me. Then I got married.....and I waited....and waited.....and waited.

My first visit to the gynecologist was a confusing one. I already knew something wasnt quite right but just wasnt sure what it was. I was later diagnosed with a condition known as uterine hyperplasia. After multiple D&C procedures, followed by several prescriptions of provera I was also informed that my body was simply not ovulating. As long as I was not making a monthly egg of course pregnancy was out of the question. That was what the doctor was saying. My heart was telling me something else. I wanted a child. No matter how many times I was told by the doctor that the chances of me getting pregnant were slim I was always hoping for that very slight chance to be my lucky month. Eventually the years began to pass. I must say those were difficult years of roller coaster emotions and depression. The hope was still there for me...or so I thought. Until one day I walked into my doctors office and he informed me that it was in the best interest of my health to have a hysterectomy. I took the news with a stiff upper lip...pretended to my doctor that I was glad to be getting it done to rid me of the constant problems I had been having, left his office and pulled over on Battlefield Boulevard and cried like I have never cried before. As long as I had my uterus there was always some hope...now with the uterus being removed all hope was gone. I cursed my infertility that day. I was angry with God...angry that he didnt miraculously heal me of all my infirmities the way I had been told all my life he would do. I blamed God. I was very angry.

I had my hysterectomy and went through it with the help of Dr. Rector. He had been my doctor for many years and he made it as simple as possible for me. I healed quickly and was ready to go back to work in less than 3 weeks. After I returned home I never once took a pain pill. All the bloating, night sweats, and hormonal rages I felt inside of me seemed to have subsided. I told everyone around me that my hysterectomy was the best thing I ever did for myself. Inside my heart was broken. I felt angry and betrayed. I felt like I was the worst wife in the world. I told my husband that he should leave me, that by staying with me he would be cheating himself of the opportunity to be a father. He just looked at me. My husband has never made me feel less than a woman for my infertility, if anything he went the extra mile to encourage me that it was me he loves and not my ability or lack of to make an offspring for his name. He often pauses to let me rage about something when I need to and he just listens....its part of his charm. I am the verbal one in the house and I was very verbal with laying my blame at the feet of God whom I felt had let me down. Little did I know at that time instead of laying my blame at his feet I should have laid my hurt at his feet and he would take it away.

The hysterectomy was complete and life went on....for everyone that is except me. Inside I was a depressed angry mess. I no longer had the monthly visits with Dr. Rector anymore because I was better now so I threw myself into my work. I was working 2 jobs to keep myself and my mind occupied. In the back of my mind I though about the idea of becoming a Foster parent. I pushed it out of my thoughts several times until one day I was sitting at the table talking to my husband and the subject of foster parenting came up. He just looked at me and said "are you sure you can handle it when one of them leaves?" I said i felt i could and he just said ok then sign us up. Thats how things are with Rob and I. He is a thinker...he is always considering ahead what might or might not happen and I lunge forward by the seat of my pants. He was protecting my feelings before anything happened. I am blessed with a wonderful husband.

We signed up to take the necesssary foster parent training classes with our local city. The workers for our local DSS came out and inspected our home and we were certified and waiting. Our very first placement was a sibling group of four. The ages of these children were 1,3,6, and 7. We were so thrilled to have them there is no way I could put it into words. Those first few months were months of adjustment but inside I was in pure heaven. I quit my jobs because I couldnt bear the thought of going off each night and leaving these little guys. I was getting my chance to be mom and noone was going to take that from me...at least not now. Those early days were some of the happiest of my life. Rob and I made the decision to move to a larger house and it was no time at all we received another placement....another baby. Before we knew it we were the foster parents to seven beautiful little children! Many of you reading this will sigh and say OMG not seven kids for me. I am not advocating that if you cant have children of your own to go out and take in as many children as you can. My entire life I have always dreamed of having a large family and just when I thought that opportunity would not take place here they all were. I threw myself into those children. I was room mom, team mom, and anything else I could do. But it isnt until that first placement leaves your home that the reality that what your doing is just temporary hits close to home. I had a little boy who left our home to live with his biological grandmother. It was a hard blow to take but it was the courts decision. I was devastated. This little boy had been with me for 2 years and now he was leaving. To make matters worse, after that, 3 months later 2 more of my children left as well. Inside I was a literal mess. I told God that I was mad at him again....he denied me the chance to have kids of my own and just when I get some he snatched them away as well. I vowed to myself I wouldnt get too close anymore...I wouldnt hurt like that ever again. I had agreed that whenever possible all children would be placed with relatives first ..and in spite of the fact that I said I agreed with my mouth when it comes down to what you feel is YOUR child the only place you want them is with you. And I refused to take another child into my home. Its funny how when things dont go the way you hope we have to have a scapegoat to blame it on. My scapegoat was God. I felt since I had been basically a good person my entire life he owed me somehow. God didnt owe me anything.

So then I still had 3 children left in my home. I was very careful to remind these children that I was their FOSTER PARENT....and foster parents are just a temporary fix. I did all the right things but I was careful to guard my heart....after all they are only here for a short time. Morgan was just barely 3 when she first came to my home. I was told during the process that there was a high probability that she would be available for adoption soon. Part of me never really believed it at first. There was this beautiful little brown eyed blonde baby....surely someone would come along and snatch her away. Eventually I was told a date had been set for the termination of parental rights which is the first step towards adoption. In the meantime the social worker gave me a huge packet of papers to complete which I did...sometimes at a snails pace because I felt that somehow God was going to take me to the end of this process and snatch her away too. We filled out all the necessary paper work, selected an attorney and began the process of waiting for a court date.

It is funny when your in an adoption process with a child. When women are pregnant and awaiting a birth to happen I am sure they are overcome with so much excitement, anticipation, and I am sure they are afraid as well. When your awaiting that pending court date its the same way. You are just sure every little phone call is to bring the news that everything fell threw...your sure something will go wrong until that last paper is signed. When the judge makes it final you feel a sudden sigh of relief. The same way a woman does when she gives birth....at last everything is okay. When the last adoption paper is signed you breathe a sigh of relief as well...ahhhh at last the baby that I have allowed myself to fall in love with in spite of the fact that I intended to keep a professional space in between is mine...forever...she is my daughter and noone can take her away. Its an overwhelming feeling. I got that call on December 11, 2009. Morgan became my daughter officially on that day. I walked into the court room as a foster parent and walked out as a mother. I was her mother a long time before the judge said so but now it was official.

Fostering and or adopting have both been a very rewarding experience for me. It is not without its problems as nothing is flawless...especially the foster care system. You will deal with a great deal of sadness and a lot of hurt children. You will meet the good in people and you will see the worst in people. It will seem sometimes like the court dates are endless. Its all for the protection and safety of the children. Its all about saving families I told myself. I reminded myself that throughout the process with Morgan. But there are times when families cannot be saved and children need a home. If your able to step in then and provide the love and nurturing a child needs it is something you wont regret.

My biggest gift from fostering was the adoption of my daughter....but I also received another gift as well. My husband and I had been married 20 years before Morgan became our daughter. Prior to that I always used my infertility as an excuse not to trust God. I knew I needed to trust him with every aspect of my life. But in my mind if he let me down when it came to children then he would let me down in other things as well. God knew what I had need of even before I asked. I cannot put into words the many days of sadness and hurt that plagued my early years of marriage because I chose to lay the blame for my infertility with God. It never occured to me at that time that God had another plan. He already put it into motion, and he knew that one day Morgan would need a mom and I would need a daughter. His ways are perfect. And I cant say he didnt heal me. He did heal me. Because with one stroke of the judges pen God took what was the worst thing in my life (my infertility) and turned it into the biggest blessing I ever had. I stand in awe now and I know I shouldnt ..because hes just doing what God can do. I wonder what would have happened if I had handed it over to him to start with? My journey to adoption was a long one...not because of God...not because of the system...but because of me and my lack of trusting God to start with. I asked God to heal me of my infertility....he did. He healed me by way of knowledgable doctors who knew what my problem was and promptly took care of it. I asked God to send me children....he did. He sent me many children. And although many of those children were not my permanent children I have had the opportunity to plant seeds in the lives of many children who because of the time they spent in my home will grow up to know what it was like to be a part of a normal family. God said his word wouldnt return void so I know those seeds will prosper and grow. God also sent me Morgan. Like I said God took the worst thing in my life (infertility) and turned into the biggest blessing of my life. I can never thank him enough for honoring us with the blessing of this beautiful child.