I Miss You Jeremiah

Dear Jeremiah,
Almost 2 years ago you came to my door in the back seat of a car driven by CPS. I was so excited to have you come and stay with us that I couldnt wait to meet you. You were just 15 months old. It didnt take us long to fall in love with you. All of us. That seemed like such a long time ago. Throughout all that time I kept telling myself not to grow too attached to you because you would be leaving us. I was just so sure that a baby as precious as you would be gone very quickly. I spoke the words outloud many times reminding myself not to be too crazy about this little boy. But as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months and the months became a year I somehow got so lost in you I didnt realize it. I forgot at times that you were not my own biological child. You meant so much to us and I loved every minute you were here. I think I lulled myself into believing that you wouldnt go. Then the call came ..... your biological grandmother had won custody of you. I will never forget that day. There was a terrible lump that came in my throat and I worked so hard to choke back the tears. I told the rest of the children and family that you would be leaving. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip. I silently began to pack your things when I was told she was on the way. I imagined what she would be like. I worried that she wouldnt know how special you were the way we did. I knew we had to do what was best for you and not what was best for us but I didnt know her...and now I was handing you over to her. I was worried she wouldnt rock you at night the way I had. I was afraid she wouldnt sing your favorite songs. The day she arrived and took you off for a visit I was panic stricken. It was hard. I knew once I met her that she would be good to you. She did her best to reassure me. She had been fighting to get you for a very long time so I knew she must care deeply for you. She allowed me my time to say goodbye. Saying goodby to you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You have been gone for 2 days now and everything I see and smell still reminds me of your precious little face. I know what grief feels like. I know this will pass in time. I cant help but feel a little angry that they let you sit in the system so long that we fell in love with you. The system needs to move faster for foster children. I am thankful that you have someone who loves you and that you have your family. But my heart is heavy. I miss you and I love you so very very much. The day you left made a hole that cant be filled. I pray that God keeps his hand on you, protects you and keeps you in the palm of his hand. I would give anything to be able to hold you just one more time and sing Lullybye, or to share your favorite icecream with you or swing in the park. Just one more day. I miss you Jeremiah and I love you more that you will ever know. You will grow up and forget me because you were small when you left my home. But you left a huge footprint on my heart that will last forever. I learned so much from you. I will hold you in my heart now and try to move forward keeping the picture in my mind of you being happy and carefree. I love you sweetboy.

Always and forever,
Mommy